our first day together

Today we were allowed to take our girl out for the day. We arrived to pick her up at 830. Today was a holiday so no one was in the office, which meant we just walked right through the gate and straight into the baby house. When we arrived she was all dressed up in a fancy pink dress ready to start our day together. We stayed and said hi to all the kids then packed our little lady up. She was doing great until we put her in her car seat. She has never left the orphanage before, so this was a big deal for her. We should have been more aware of this being a big deal, but it honestly didn't cross my mind that she has never been in a car seat. She had a couple of tears, but I sat in the back between the kids so she stopped crying. She managed to fall asleep on our car ride to the guesthouse so I transferred her to the bed and we tried to let her nap. We laid beside her and basically bugged her until she woke up! Isaac did this same thing to us when we first brought him home, we were choked he had fallen asleep because we wanted to hang out. After she woke up we spent the day in the compound of our guesthouse, we didn't want to add anything to overwhelm her so we planned to lounge around for the day. Turns out our little girl was quite timid today. She was quiet and withdrawn. We carried her and snuggled her all day, which was a lot for her. She didn't want to play and made it clear she wanted to be held. She is an amazing cuddler, something Isaac is not!! She fell asleep on me in the afternoon so I laid with her on the couch for her nap. She woke up around 3 and by this point was very confused with where she was. I felt so bad for her. She was clinging to us and had a few little cries if one of us left the area she was in. We both held her but we knew she was stressed out. We decided to go back to the orphanage an hour early and play with her there for the hour. The minute we walked into the baby house, her face lit up. She turned into a completely different girl, she was playing with us, laughing and running around. We could not believe it, we had no idea she would be so aware of the change. We only had Isaac to gauge from and he was chill, but he was a little younger and I think he was used to just being left in his bed. Although it was a stressful day for our girl, we are happy that she has an attachment to her home, this means she will hopefully have the knowledge how to attach to her new home. We stayed for an hour playing with her, feeding her and giving her a bath then we kissed her goodbye for the night. It is a terrible feeling to hold your child and then have to say goodbye to them, but we know this will help her transition to us the smoothest. It did remind us of the huge change this is for her and to approach gently. Please pray for our girl as she goes through the biggest transition of her life...a transition many of us will never have to face and one that we do not want to think as easy. We plan to show up to the children's home tomorrow and repeat today, hopefully tomorrow will be a little easier on our sweet girl! Isaac was amazing again and was upset that his sister couldn't stay with for the night. We honestly didn't know he had this in him, he has been the sweetest big brother! We are so proud of him and praise him continually for being such a kind and thoughtful brother.
After we left the children's home, we went to find dinner. We promised the workers KFC tomorrow to thank them for their work so we went out in search of where we would need to go. We ended up at the shell station as they had a pizza place inside. Arnie decided he would go in alone and get food to go, so he locked Isaac and I in the car and went inside. As Isaac and I waited we watched all the people walking by...I was increasingly aware that we stand out and that we weren't really welcomed here. It's hard to say why I was feeling this and feeling afraid as well, but I was on high alert as we sat in the parking lot. I didn't say anything to arnie when he got in the car, the first thing he mentioned was how unwelcome we were here. So we are both on the same page. We have resolved to stay in our compound and go to the children's home and back and that is about it. There is a grocery store close by as well that we have been to, but we will not be venturing out further than that while we are here. Like I said in the last post, we have been warned by NUMEROUS people to stay safe, so we are not going to be very adventurous right now...after all we are here to get our daughter and focus on here so it all works out.

Holy Ground

Have you ever had a day, or maybe a moment, where you have felt you were standing on Holy ground? Well that was us today, we met our daughter. Standing in that baby room in the orphanage with my baby girl in my arms, looking at all the sweet, priceless, valuable babies all around...it was Holy ground. Like stepping into one of those monumental churches with steeples, painted ceilings and stain glass windows. Only it was better, as if the presence of Jesus was so thick you could touch it.
But let me start at the beginning.

We arrived yesterday into Durban. It was a long day, about 26 hours of travelling, but we made it. We had booked a rental car and headed straight to the counter outside the airport. We loaded up the car and got in. Arnie was the designated driver because there was no way I would be driving on the wrong side of the road. Arnie was nervous, which in turn made me nervous, but after a few rounds around the parking lot to get used to driving we were off on the highway! We rented a GPS because we had no idea where we were going. After a few minutes the GPS battery light started to flash, we plugged it in and thought we were good. We made it to our guesthouse as the GPS turned off. We realized the cord wasn't charging it and now we had no GPS. We were ok though as we had made it to the guesthouse and now had wifi. We unloaded into our room, and immediately hit the bed. We set our alarm as we know from travelling, you never turn the lights out when your exhausted and expect to wake up after an hour! We were set to meet our social worker, Robyn, at 5pm so we set out in search of supper at the mall 5 minutes away. The mall is huge and so not what we expected to find in Africa, I kept saying, "This is not the Africa I know!" You can find anything here! We have been warned many times about safety and not going to certain places so we were happy to find a place we could roam about safely. We made it back to the B&B and met with Robyn. She is the kindest lady and I don't know how she does her job. She drives all over meeting people, going to orphanages and doing paperwork, she really has a heart of gold. After we met with her, we headed to our room to lounge. Realizing we won't be going out after dark anymore, we settled in to our room. We played around with Isaac on the bed, watched a movie and went to bed early.
This morning when we woke up, we were set to be in Ladysmith at the orphanage at 230pm. We were giving ourselves 3 hours to get there so we went to mall again to grab coffee and walk before we left. I loaded up a map to Ladysmith at the guest house but I erased it at the mall...this sent us into a bit of a panic spiral. We drove back to the guesthouse and I loaded the map again. At this point we were panicking over the GPS not working, and the fact that we were about to drive 3 hours on the wrong side of the road in a country we had never been to. We debated going back to the airport and throwing the GPS across the counter and yelling at someone about stranding us in the middle of nowhere...but we settled on following the loaded map and hoping for the best. Getting to the highway proved to be interesting....I think Arnie would use a different term...but my job was navigation and to randomly yell, "Stay left!" We arrived in Ladysmith about an hour early and were able to check into our new guesthouse. Being in a new country is overwhelming, especially when you have been warned man times about your safety. Upon driving into Ladysmith, we realized we were not in the safest town and I was panicking again. I had no idea what to expect from our guesthouse other than our friend, Laura, had stayed here last week and didn't say anything bad about it. Well it is beautiful here. We were shown to our loft room and I had a few tears. I know that sounds crazy, but I am bringing my baby here and I needed to know we would be safe. Our room is so cozy and the fact that it is up high in a loft above the main kitchen and dining hall is so nice. It feels so safe, that is why I had tears. I know I can bring our girl here and we would be ok.
Quickly after checking in we gathered some stuff, loaded a map and we were off. The orphanage turns out to be about 7 minutes away so we made it there quickly. Nerves were high and I was so excited we would finally meet our daughter. Isaac was excited too and had big plans on kissing and holding his sister. We went through the gate and into a large compound with many buildings. We went to the reception and checked in. We had no idea what to expect. The lady went and go the social worker who came to greet us. She took us straight to the baby room and said she wanted to see if we knew which one was our daughter before telling us. We walked into the room and there, standing in the middle, was the cutest, tiniest little girl. I knew right away she was ours and walked over and knelt to my knees. I let Isaac go to her first and stayed beside him. He went up to her and gave her a kiss on her tiny head, then he came back to me and put his head in my lap and did a funny dance. Next was my turn, I held out my hand to see if she would be ok if I touched her. She didn't seem upset so I went for it. I picked her up and gave her a kiss. She was so tiny and precious, she is the sweetest little girl. Next was Arnie's turn. I was making him take a video so I passed her to him. I could tell he was a little nervous but they were playing little games and she was not upset to be held by him either. We spent the next 2.5 hours playing with the kids and holding her.
 This is where i talk about Isaac. I had no idea how he would react, but he blew us away. He was so kind to the kids, sharing little snacks, handing them out to all the kids, playing with them and with his new sister. He asked to hold her and took her hand a couple of times to drag her across the room to me. I didn't know he completely understood what we were doing there, but he did. He knew that she was now his. My heart was so full watching him. When it was dinner time, he sat down and joined the crew for dinner. He sat at the little table across from the other little kids and ate his sandwich with them. He did such a good job, I was so proud of him. I wasn't sure if he would be overwhelmed, or scared to be there or worried about sharing us...but he seemed to be so understanding and trusting of us that we would not leave him. We made sure he had access to us even with all the kids climbing all over. He is such a confident boy and that shined today!
We were able to feed our girl and see her get her bath. I played with her and held her as much as she would allow. A few times she laid her head down on me and just rested. I thought she must be tired to have laid her head on me, but she didn't fall asleep...It dawned on me that maybe she was just cuddling! Whatever it was, I had the same feeling when I held Isaac, I knew we were going to be ok. She has moved right into our hearts and we are delighted that she will be ours forever. She is such a sweetheart, I don't know how we got chosen to be her parents, but we do not take it lightly.
Well, we are off to bed as we have an early morning and we get to have our girl with us for the day! It is a holiday here tomorrow so they said we should just take her for the day and bring her back for 5pm...no problem on our end with that!

Giving up control

Back to the waiting game of adoption.... Although the wait is different this time, there are so many things that remain the same. As I find time to sit and pray over this adoption, a theme keeps coming up in my heart: control. I like to control circumstances, control outcomes, control  the moment and just control my life. I don't like feeling out of control, I don't like leaving these things up to someone else... Even if that someone else is God. It's shameful to admit, but it's the truth, I catch myself so many times trying to write my own story. Trying to control this adoption, the outcome, the wait, picking dates I feel it should all happen in, etc, etc. Unlike pregnancy, I have zero control over taking care of my baby in utero. I can not take prenatal vitamins for the baby, I can not make sure the baby is getting folic acid, I can't avoid alcohol and drugs for the baby, I have zero control. This is hard for me, to think the control of my baby is in the hands of someone else. I can't go for regular check ups to make sure baby is doing ok, go for an ultrasound to see how baby is growing, I can't do any of that. All I can do is release control to God. He is the only one who can see all of that and he is the only one truly in control of the baby anyways. I'd love to control when our baby will come, what they will eat, how often they will be held, if they will cry it out or not, if they will be rocked to sleep, if they will be cuddled and kissed, if they will have their diaper changed, if they will be circumsized, if they will eat solids sooner than later, if they will be breastfed, if they will sit properly

In a car seat, if they will sleep in someone's arms or a crib... Honestly I could go on and on... Just think of all the decisions you make in your baby's first year of life. All the choices you make because you feel those choices matter and are what will be best for your baby in the long run. In adoption, these choices are made for me, and most of the time

are  choices I would not choose if I was given control. So I find myself in this hard place of trusting Jesus and panicking over every detail. I still mourn the loss of control over Isaacs first year, it's hard to let go. The only thing that makes this better is knowing that Jesus was and remains in control of our whole situation. This is the part of adoption they don't review in the workshops, that your social worker doesn't warn you about and the part, I honestly, just didn't premeditated. Yet it hit me like a tonne of bricks with isaac and is a daily issue as we wait for number two. Really all

I can pray is for God's grace on my

Life and on baby's life as we wait to see Gods story unfold.

Turning a corner

I've seen a change in Isaac over the past few months. It has been gradual and I almost didn't notice it. If you know my son, you know that he has one level of cry and that he is sensitive. He cries when he is hurt, loudly. His cry for over a papercut and his cry over scraped bloody knees is the same- LOUD. This is one part I have never really minded about him. I love to hold him when he cries. The other day, he fell and got scared and as I was holding him and rocking him, I noticed he put his head on my shoulder without me encouraging it. You may think I'm crazy for noticing this but only months previous he did not respond this way. He would use his arms to push against me and throw his head back. He reacted this way most of the time. I would hold him facing me and try to push his head gentle against me, he often resisted this. So you may understand my shock and joy when I noticed that he clung to me. He put his head down, wrapped his arms around me, and squeezed hard. I know this is small, but I feel it is so huge in our journey of attachment. He trusts me enough to wrap his arms around me instead of push me away.

On Sunday, as we walked down to the nursery, he asked me to pick him up. As I picked him up he stated, "you are my mama." I'm not sure what goes on in his mind but somehow I can see that I am becoming irreplaceable ...we are turning a corner and I'm so happy about it. 

Putting his arm around daddy to watch a movie.

The cutest kissing face!!

A little update on Isaac and waiting for baby #2

It's hard to imagine Isaac has been home for over 1.5 years, yet still it somehow feels he has always just been here. He is now 2.5 and full of life. I haven't updated in a while because, like all other moms of toddlers, we have been busy!!!
There is not a day that goes by where our house is not full of laughter...sure we have our days, but those days are nothing in comparison to the joy Isaac brings. Isaac talks ... non-stop...all day long...to everyone and anyone. He says the funniest things every day, I promised myself I would write some of them down because they are too good to be forgotten!!

Isaac will often ask for things, mostly having to do with sugar, so we sometimes need to say no. I usually say, "Not right now." He responded the other day with, "Maybe Tuesday Mommy? Maybe, sure??" I was laughing so hard and said that Tuesday he could have it. He then moved on and was totally ok with that answer. Now, instead of saying no we tell him maybe on Tuesday he can have what he is asking for. The big joke is that one day he will realize it's a Tuesday and he will cash in on everything in one day!

He also loves to talk to people when we are out in stores, he will ask people their names and then he follows with, "Where's your Mommy?" This is very cute but also very awkward when he asks the elderly people standing behind us in line!!! I'm trying to teach him to only ask children this question.

He is now speaking a lot of Hungarian and understands every word Arnie speaks to him. He likes to mix and mush his sentences with English and Hungarian...it's so adorable.

He loves music and instruments, mostly favouring the drums. His favourite thing to play with are things that resemble sticks. He loves his plastic knives and will often carry them around as drum sticks all day long looking for things to bang on. While this can be challenging (as he bangs on glass objects or uses his food covered utensils to bang on the table) I love watching him develop this love for music. I will be completely shocked if he does not play drums professionally one day!

I now tell people that I don't believe in "Terrible Twos", there is nothing terrible about two! Sure we have moments and times I could just bang my head on the wall rather than repeat the same thing over and over, but those moments are quickly masked by the funny and sweet ones that happen every day. The other day, he stuck a bowl on his head while completely naked running around with a spatula, and I had a moment of "I'm so lucky that this is my life". I have said I would like to have a 2 year old in my house for the next ten years...granted my energy level can keep up!!!

Isaac is full of kisses and hugs and is very affectionate. He doesn't cuddle very often but we still cuddle him to sleep every nap time and night. Don't ask how long we will do this...I could probably do it forever!

We are very busy with Isaac but we are also greatly anticipating baby number 2. Our hearts are beginning to long the way we longed for Isaac. As I pack up his baby stuff and only a little bit remains, I am careful to not move it far away in hopes I'll be able to bring it all out again one day soon! We often talk about baby brother or sister to Isaac, to try and get him ready. The other day we were driving and out of nowhere Isaac says, "Please I have a new sister and bring her to my house, to mommy's house and daddy's house?" I just about pulled over in shock of what he said! I said that I really hope one day we can but I'm not really in charge of that, he would need to ask Jesus if he wants a sister. He said he did ask Jesus and Jesus told him yes....I suppose only time will tell :) And so begin the "birth pains" of adoption. The long and painful wait for our baby, the unknown of how long it will take and the unknown of who our baby will be. It is honestly a roller coaster of emotion, one minute we are so happy and excited and then the next these anxious thoughts of waiting and "what ifs?". I wish I knew, but then again the surprise of Isaac is one that I could never have wished to be any different. The waiting and longing draw us close to Jesus, as there is no one else who knows what the plan is. We trust him with everything, He gave us our son who was perfectly hand chosen to be in our family, and I know he will also perfectly plan out the arrival of our next baby. So as I try to keep a little of Isaac's baby-ness around, or you see me gazing longingly at a stranger's baby, don't blame me, we have no idea how long until our next one will come. Jesus does know, and for now that will be enough. My Saviour, who created me, who knows me inside and out, will choose our child and will bring them home when He is ready and when the time is right...just remind me of that while I pack away Isaac's diapers and bottles ;)

He fell asleep with his bottle in his mouth, when I took it out he was frozen in this position :)

Playing with his bowl hat and plastic knives

All set up with his drums playing along to the classical version of Peter and the Wolf

Working with us in the garage, little did he know we were building his Christmas present!!

Mommy and son date to the muttart conservatory 

After stating their love for each other, I caught this kiss on camera!

Reading with his cousins!! 

Room for one more !!!

We have been keeping a secret for a few months now, but we are finally ready to share. We are adopting a baby from South Africa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We are beyond excited to finally share this news! Our file landed in South Africa today so that means we are officially waiting. We were told it would be approximately 15 months for a match, so we still have a while to wait but we are so happy to finally make it official. 

We started in September looking into our options and after a lot of prayer and talk, we decided our next child is in South Africa. We signed up for the program in November and have been working on our file since. Our home study took a long time and we have been waiting on it for a few months now, but it is all done now! 

We have requested an age range of 0-12 months and we are looking forward to either a boy or a girl! Isaac will be a big brother!!! We have been talking to him about brother or sister in Africa and we regularly pray for them. He doesn't really understand but we are trying to start the conversation so it can be a smooth transition for him. We are not only excited to become parents again, but we are ecstatic that Isaac will get to have a sibling. 

Please join us as we pray and wait. The waiting is never easy, but we know that God always has a plan. As we parent Isaac, we are constantly reminded of His goodness and grace. We anticipate as we wait for God's plan to unfold once again. 

That's all for now, I'll write more about the process and why we chose SA next time, but for now I want to post some of the beautiful pictures my friend, Denise took for us! She is always the best and captures the best moments :)

23 and 24 months

My baby turned two!!!!! Can you believe it??!! The days sometimes seem long, but the years pass with a blink! This year has been the best. I was reminiscing about Isaac a few weeks ago. I was saying how much I missed him as a baby. As the day went on we decided to go for a walk. Isaac was so busy looking at everything and picking up pinecones. I was glad we weren't time bound so he could just enjoy himself. He kept saying "mommy look!" And running to me for hugs. He always says "I love you mommy" and gives hugs and kisses fairly generously... Somewhere near the end of the walk it dawned on me. When Isaac was a baby he didn't love me, but he does now. Why would I want to go back to that place of insecurity and uncertainty. Sometimes I would cry because I thought he didn't love me, but it's been a while since I thought that. I love that Isaac is 2, he is so confident and fun. I get cuddles that I didn't when he was smaller and he can tell me he loves me now. 

The funny things you say:

-you don't stop talking so it's hard to figure out what your new words are! There are so many! 

-you try to tell stories and often tell daddy about your day, the only way anyone would know what you are saying is of they had spent the day with you! You get excited and say some actual words and then start filling in with jibberish. It turns out to be one exciting story on your end and a very humorous one on ours!

How you play:

- we went to gymnastics drop in a few times and you loved it!!! Jumping, running, climbing, you could think of nothing better!!

- you are starting to play nicer with friends, specifically oli and jilly when it's just two of you. 

-your aunties bought you a jumpy house for your birthday and you have had many fun play dates on it!

-you like your push bike and are trying to figure out the peddles

-your favorite is helping daddy build the hobbit house outside. You follow him around with tools and pencils and he lets you help when you can!

The naughty things you do:

-I could go on and on in this section haha I'm learning that you figuring out your independence is not nesseccarily you being naughty. You want to try things and figure them out which often results in a large mess! 

-you still have a love/hate relationship with lily and like to try and put her in her place by yelling and flailing arms at her. You will always say sorry and attempt to give her a kiss

-you like pulling out the spices, dumping them out and then grabbing the broom to "clean up" for the record this is VERY annoying

-you like essential oils and have tried to pour them into my diffuser resulting in a large puddle of oils... Again very annoying :)

-you like banging the walls with your hammer, I'm thankful we have lots of distressed furniture that you are allowed to bang on!

-and while I realize these things aren't really naughty per say, I'm trying to find a balance of allowing you to explore and not allowing you to trash the whole house!!! Well welcome to having a toddler I guess!!

You are the joy in our family and we continue  to praise God for placing you here. Your everything we could've hoped for and even more. You light up a room with your presence and we continue to fall in love with you daily. Watching you grow has been the biggest blessing in our lives. You are our sweetheart :)

As far as your relationship with daddy goes, I'll have to get him to write you a letter... The two of you are glued together. He texted me yesterday and said "if I could take him everywhere with me, I would" he also said "I'm not sure why everyone said parenting would be so hard, my life has only been better" I hope you always know how much you are loved!!!