Curse vs. Blessing

I have been listening to this song a lot lately (the one playing on my blog). The artist, Jason Upton, was adopted; this song is about his adoption. I was really listening to the lyrics today, I am so amazed at his view of his life and his adoption. I began hoping and praying for our child, praying that one day they will view their life in a similar way. I could only imagine that there will be times that my child could view their life in a negative way. Asking, "Why did this happen to me?"or "Why didn't my birth parents want me?" I can only pray that eventually one day, they can see their life as a blessing, that they will see God's plan in it all, and that they will marvel at God's grace and love. 

I have written briefly on this before, but I feel that I can relate to the idea of this situation with our infertility. I have, at times, viewed it as a curse from God, wondering why he did this to us. But as I grow and begin to unfold and see the plan that he had and has for us, I begin to view this as a blessing. I was telling a lady a little of our situation the other day and actually began to well up with tears when I started to talk about how lucky we are that we get to adopt. I spoke of how happy I am that God chose and allowed us to go down this route and how much I already love our little black son or daughter with all my heart. It has occurred to me that I need to start opening my eyes in every situation to try and find the blessing in the "curse". 

We continue to pray for our child and will till the day we die. I am praying today, that one day they will see their adoption as a blessing rather than a curse. That they will see God's love and compassion in their story and find healing in that.

Great River Road

I was born where the rivers run
Native blood runs through my veins
I was born where the eagles come
Waiting till the winter fades 

I was born an endangered son
I was spared by a mother?s dream
I was saved by the power of love
I was snatched from the fire of greed 

Great river road where justice rolled
Let it roll, let it roll down
Great river road where healing flowed
Let it flow, let it flow now 

I was born to an orphaned son
I was seed from a broken life
I was just like the other ones
Waiting on the other side 

I was born because freedom won
Mother sent me down the stream
I was saved by the power of love
I was snatched from the fire of greed

Everything is lining up

It occurred to me yesterday, that somehow everything is lining up for us to go to Ethiopia. No, we did not receive our phone call we are waiting for, but God is bringing everything together in preparation of us leaving. Just when I start to loose hope, I realize that God just might be up to something still.

This week we gained two new roommates, my brother and sister in law! We had asked them to watch our house while we are in Ethiopia for six months, but they have decided to come early and to stay indefinitely. They love community, as do we, so they are sticking around for a while. I'm excited to have them!

Over a year ago when we decided to stay in Ethiopia while we wait for our child's Visa, we set a goal for the amount of money we would need in order to be able to stay six months. We included 3-4 round trip flights, emergency flights, house rental money, travelling around money, food, and fun money. We recently filed our taxes and thanks to a great government adoption allowance, me being in school and just starting to work and Arnie's surgery, we got a nice return! We thank God for this provision. We put it straight in the bank, and guess what, we reached our exact goal!! We originally thought we would need to sell our car, we actually tried to sell our car but for some reason it did not sell. Well, God has provided all that we need and we still have our car!

On a smaller note, I have a casual position at work, that has turned into a casual full time position. I am the only casual, so I cover for all the nurses when they take time off, which has resulted in an almost full time position. I am thankful for the experience, but I knew that I would not be around forever, so I asked if they would consider hiring another casual. They actually listened to my request and she starts next week. I will still get the first pick of shifts, but at least I can turn some down and know that someone else will pick them up. Also when I leave, she will have my position, so I am covered!

So, as you can see, we are ready to go! We aren't being hasty and planning on leaving anytime, it has just happened that all these things have fallen into place. I don't want to read into it too far or place expectation on when we will leave, I am just happy that all the stress is taken care of if the day ever comes that we get to go. It seems like that day is just a fairy tale, but I know my God is good. He is not cruel and although things may not turn out as we have planned, He has a better plan for us. He is orchestrating the whole thing. It's going to be great, just watch as my God begins to reveal his plan!!

To lighten the mood I'm in...

We got a couple new throw cushions. They are in the shape of dogs. They go great with the couch!

And to replace the dogs who are now stuffed cushions, we got a human dog. He was born with human appearance, but is all dog on the inside. You may mistake him for a two year old, but rest assured, he is a dog trapped inside a human body!

He plays dog...

Speaks dog...

and, simply, just is dog.

Limbo

Sitting, waiting, lingering in limbo. We have been here for many months. It's as if we are almost on the top of a mountain, but we are still stuck on the trial in the trees, with no view from the top. This place is a hard place to be, it is a frustrating place to be. Often we look back on the trial and wonder why we climbed so high only to make it almost to the top. Other times we keep our heads up and keep trekking forward. We often trip and fall, landing on our faces. Sometimes we will get up immediately and keep fighting, other times we will stay down to tired and weak to get back up. We are still fighting, we are pursuing forward with our lives, following God where he is leading us...but sometimes we wonder why we started to climb in the first place. We know that this is a place God wants us for now, but we can't help but hope for the day we can reach the top, look out and see the view; see what we have been climbing for this whole time. We have been searching for something to sell ourselves for. Yes, we have sold ourselves for Jesus, but we are longing for the day we can see what it is he is directing us to for the long term. Will we be here, will we be in Africa, will we have a family or will we go back to school...? I know that when the time is right, God will answer the questions...it's just not an easy place to be for the mean time. We won't ever give up pursuing God's heart, but I think it is ok to be 'real' on the journey.


Shane and Shane
Psalm 13 :

How long oh Lord will You forget me
how long oh Lord will You hide
hide Your face from me
how long must I wrestle with me
and everyday have sorrow in my heart
sorrow in my heart

I will wait on You
I will wait on You
I will wait on You

look on me Lord and answer me
give my eyes light or i will sleep in death
I will sleep in death
my enemies say "i will overcome him"
and my foes rejoice even when I fall
I dont want to fall

for I will trust in Your unfailing love
my heart rejoices in Your salvation
I will sing to the Lord

Expectations in a box

Over the last month, God has taught me many lessons, one of them being about my expectations. He showed me, how over the past years, I have unknowingly been placing huge expectations on him. We are reading a book called Emotional Purity with the youth girls. I went into this study thinking I would teach the youth all about being emotionally pure...I got a few weeks into it, when I realized that God had quite a few things to teach me. In one chapter it talks about our expectations, we expect to get married, we expect for things to take a certain amount of time, we expect to get what we want, and in my case, we expect to have children. What God showed me through this is that I had placed many expectations on him to make me a mother. Don't get me wrong, it is not wrong that I desire these things, but it is wrong that I would seek to take them under my control and get angry when things don't go as I feel they should. God has shown me that he has a gift for me, if I place expectations of what I think this gift should be, I will only be disappointed if it ends up anything different then I had thought. I am also, in a way, saying that I know what is best and that I am right.

When we met for youth Bible study, we all decided we needed to start getting our expectations under control (mainly I needed to haha). When I was alone, God brought to my attention the closet full of expectations I had upstairs. By saying a closet full of expectations, I mean, a closet full of baby, toddler and children's clothes. Every time I expected a certain child, I would buy things for them. So in my closet I have newborn clothes, baby clothes, toddler clothes and 4 year old clothes. I have now packed these items up and put them in my basement. I am not sure what I will do with them, but I know that I need to lay aside the expectations that they represent.

You may think I am all sad and sorrowful at this time, but honestly, I am so full of joy and anticipation. I can't wait to receive God's gift for us rather than our own idea of what our gift should be. I am so excited to see what he has in store. I know it will be great, it will not be what I expected but it will be what he expected. He reminded me that when I sit and try to figure everything out, dates and timelines, that it is like opening the wrapping of my Christmas present a week early then putting it back under the tree. When it comes to Christmas morning, the excitement is gone because I sneaked. So, for now, I am waiting for Christmas morning to come in all it's glory, full of surprise and untainted by false expectations!

Having fun with my niece, Dakary, who came to visit me last week from BC!!

Seaweed masks!

Beautiful Dak and Oli!

Wait by: Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried:
Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,
And the Master so gently said,
"Child, you must wait."
"Wait? You say, wait!" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith, I have asked, and am claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I can relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to WAIT?
I'm needing a 'Yes,' a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'No' to which I can resign.

"And Lord, you promised that if we believe
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And, Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
'I'm weary of asking! I need a reply!"

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master replied once again, "You must wait."
So, I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting...for what?"

He seemed, then, to kneel
And his eyes wept with mine,
And He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could the heavens, and darken the sun,
I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run.

"All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be.
You would have what you want---
But, you wouldn't know me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint;
You'd not know the power I give to the faint;

"You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there;
You'd not know the joy of resting in me;
When darkness and silence were all you could see.

"You'd never experience that fullness of love
As the peace of my Spirit descends like a dove;
You'd know that I give and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of my heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight,
The depth that's beyond getting just what you asked
Of an infinite God, who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that, 'My grace is sufficient for thee.'
Yes, your dreams for your loved one overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss if I lost what I'm doing in you!

"So be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to get to know me.
And though oft' may my answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still, "Wait."

A fast of sorts

As I try to sort out laying down my rights and laying down this adoption, I have decided I need to do a fast. This may sound weird but I am going to fast from this adoption. I found out today that our document arrived at Imagine (the new correctly dated one), so I know we have at least a month solid wait to get our statutory declaration done. That said, I have decided I need to lay it all aside for the month of March. I have not given up hope, but I am laying down the worry, anger, and frustration of this process. This means no more Yahoo group, no more emailing Imagine, no more schedules and timelines and no more blog. Although this blog is not just about the adoption, and it does enable me to write about everything God is teaching me, I think I need a little break. It just goes hand in hand with all the other parts of the adoption. This will not be easy for me as I have loved the adoption community I have met, but for this time, I feel it is necessary.
I am going to spend the time I would on the computer doing all the above mentioned and spend some serious time with Jesus about the direction he is taking Arnie and I. I don't want to miss out on what he has for us because my life is consumed in this adoption.
I am excited and sad to do this. I am excited because I know Jesus loves being chosen above anything else but I am sad to leave the community for a while. I will be back though and I will be stronger than ever! It's like I am going to boot camp or something!
So until next time, you are in my prayers, your families and families to be. May God bless your next month with showing his face to you.
Love,
Bekah

PS If any pertinent info comes up, this will be my only exception to post!