Been thinking about Christmas lately... not too surprisingly as it is only a few days away.
Arnie and I decided we weren't going to do presents again this year for a couple of reasons...
1. We hate that Christmas has become about shopping, spending, buying, wasting and expectation.
2. After the fiasco with canada revenue and our adoption tax reversal/you need your child in your arms before you can claim adoption expenses ...so give us all the money back NOW... we have been on a savings/budget crack down, therefore leaving no room for spending on each other.
3. We'd rather buy something nice for our child. Every time I want to buy something, I think, "I'd rather buy something for our child instead of myself."
But the other day as I went to pick up a gift (not for Christmas) for a friend from lululemon, I felt myself starting to feel sorry for myself that I would not get a present this year. I wallowed in it for a few hours, asking Arnie if maybe he would want to get me just one present... whining to friends, etc. Then it hit me, I was disgusted with myself, how could I let one little sweater occupy so much of my time, emotions and energy. Sick. And again I am reminded what Christmas really is. I started thinking and praying and listening. I have already received the best gift I could ever need or want... and I received it long ago, before I was born, even before I was conceived. My sweet Jesus, he was born... on Christmas... just for me. He came to earth so I didn't have to suffer eternal separation from my creator, he came to save my life! And just because he loves me. And here I am pouting about a rag of cloth. Sick.
So this year I am asking for nothing and I'll put it out there... I'm not even asking for a phone call. I ask every other day of the year for that... so no asking on Jesus's birthday. It's not about me, it's not about our sweet child waiting, it's not about any of that. It's all about my Saviour. And I want to keep it that way. Of course I want the phone to ring, but honestly Christmas makes no difference to me, I want my child just as badly today as I will on Christmas day as I will come the New Year and so on... My heart's desire does not change because of the season, it is a steady, strong longing. So Christmas will not be about me and my pleading and begging. I resign. It's time to worship my King and surrender everything to the one who made me and saved me. He is my Christmas.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Honesty is the best policy
So for some reason after I have a really good day (the last post), it seems to be followed by a week of really bad days.
I'm going to be honest, this has been a really hard week so far. It's not anyone's fault but my own, but for some reason I have felt just at my end for the past couple days.
Today I had decided I didn't want to get out of bed, until my sister texted me to go to the Bay with her... I told her I was trying to be depressed in bed, but I agreed to go. I am thankful she made me get up, I think it would have done way more harm to try and stay in bed.
I don't want to feel this way, I want to have my hope and trust back. I keep praying that all this would just go away, but alas here I sit.
I read once, "The quickest way to the sunrise is to run straight through the darkness." I suppose that is me right now.
I am also sick of calling my husband and telling him I am having a bad day, I know he is sick of hearing it. I want to tell him that today is great and that I am doing well, but for the past few days I could not say that.
I feel bad but I have hard time being around other babies. I refused to hold one the other day because my heart just couldn't take it. I was offered to hold this newborn baby, and I had to say no. I had to protect myself. I just couldn't bare to hold the baby and look at them and think, I will never have this. It is just a torture that I needed to avoid. I hope I didn't come off as rude, but sometimes people just can't understand the pain that this process puts one through. It's not the babies fault and had that baby not had 20 other arms to hold it, I would have said yes. But that child did not need me to hold it, so I think I was better off to just say no.
I hope this passes.... and I hesitate to even post this as I do not want a pity party. I'd rather hide my feelings, but I want to remember the hard time too. In years from now when I read through this blog, I need to remember just how hard it was. I want to be victorious through this process, but I can't be victorious if this time wasn't hard. I would just be normal... and this process is anything but normal.
So, here I go today, hoping and praying for victory... trading this day in for one that is full of hope, joy and trust. Praying for this burden to be ....
The door bell just rang, a friend dropped off a gift certificate to tell us thank-you for the help we gave him. Wow, I guess God is listening. We have been trying to save back the money the government had to take back from us and we decided we couldn't afford to do anything for a while... well I guess God decided we needed a date night!!
Random but so needed....
Anyways, time to restart today.
I'm going to be honest, this has been a really hard week so far. It's not anyone's fault but my own, but for some reason I have felt just at my end for the past couple days.
Today I had decided I didn't want to get out of bed, until my sister texted me to go to the Bay with her... I told her I was trying to be depressed in bed, but I agreed to go. I am thankful she made me get up, I think it would have done way more harm to try and stay in bed.
I don't want to feel this way, I want to have my hope and trust back. I keep praying that all this would just go away, but alas here I sit.
I read once, "The quickest way to the sunrise is to run straight through the darkness." I suppose that is me right now.
I am also sick of calling my husband and telling him I am having a bad day, I know he is sick of hearing it. I want to tell him that today is great and that I am doing well, but for the past few days I could not say that.
I feel bad but I have hard time being around other babies. I refused to hold one the other day because my heart just couldn't take it. I was offered to hold this newborn baby, and I had to say no. I had to protect myself. I just couldn't bare to hold the baby and look at them and think, I will never have this. It is just a torture that I needed to avoid. I hope I didn't come off as rude, but sometimes people just can't understand the pain that this process puts one through. It's not the babies fault and had that baby not had 20 other arms to hold it, I would have said yes. But that child did not need me to hold it, so I think I was better off to just say no.
I hope this passes.... and I hesitate to even post this as I do not want a pity party. I'd rather hide my feelings, but I want to remember the hard time too. In years from now when I read through this blog, I need to remember just how hard it was. I want to be victorious through this process, but I can't be victorious if this time wasn't hard. I would just be normal... and this process is anything but normal.
So, here I go today, hoping and praying for victory... trading this day in for one that is full of hope, joy and trust. Praying for this burden to be ....
The door bell just rang, a friend dropped off a gift certificate to tell us thank-you for the help we gave him. Wow, I guess God is listening. We have been trying to save back the money the government had to take back from us and we decided we couldn't afford to do anything for a while... well I guess God decided we needed a date night!!
Random but so needed....
Anyways, time to restart today.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Hope, Trust, Wait
Waiting is hard. Waiting for the weekend, waiting for Christmas, waiting for work to be over, waiting in line, waiting for food, waiting for mail, waiting on the phone.
I feel like I have experienced a whole new definition of waiting. Waiting to be matched with my child, waiting for that one particular phone call, waiting to travel to Ethiopia, waiting to decorate a room, waiting to fill a closet and toy chest, waiting to care for, nurture, love, waiting for God to fill my arms.
I've struggled, oh have I struggled. I've longed, I've cried, I've given up, I've prayed, I've called upon God.
But,
I have also loved, I have worked hard, I have trusted, I have laughed, I have found joy, I have had hope.
And these things are what have made it worth it.
At times I loose my focus, I cry out, I shout that this isn't fair, I throw tantrums.
And then other times, I look Jesus in the eyes and know and trust and have faith that he has it all under control.
I wish I could say I've waited in perfect patience, joy, peace, but I haven't. I'll be honest, I've had my share of groaning and complaining. Just like the Israelites, God saw the end but they couldn't see past their hungry stomachs. God saw the promised land, but they couldn't see past the sand at their feet.
But,
I can say that by God's grace, I have overcame and will continue to overcome these moments of pain, grumbling and complaining. They become less when I surrender. I have traded them in for joy, for trust, for hope. And I will continue to trade them in. My children deserve a Mother and a Father who are filled with joy, who are filled with hope for their future, who are filled with nothing but love.
My children are waiting, we are waiting, God is waiting to fulfil his promises. Waiting is hard. But it doesn't have to be.
As surely as the rain will fall, my children will come home.
How do I know this? Cause God told me so. There are no if, ands or buts about it. They are coming.
I feel like I have experienced a whole new definition of waiting. Waiting to be matched with my child, waiting for that one particular phone call, waiting to travel to Ethiopia, waiting to decorate a room, waiting to fill a closet and toy chest, waiting to care for, nurture, love, waiting for God to fill my arms.
I've struggled, oh have I struggled. I've longed, I've cried, I've given up, I've prayed, I've called upon God.
But,
I have also loved, I have worked hard, I have trusted, I have laughed, I have found joy, I have had hope.
And these things are what have made it worth it.
At times I loose my focus, I cry out, I shout that this isn't fair, I throw tantrums.
And then other times, I look Jesus in the eyes and know and trust and have faith that he has it all under control.
I wish I could say I've waited in perfect patience, joy, peace, but I haven't. I'll be honest, I've had my share of groaning and complaining. Just like the Israelites, God saw the end but they couldn't see past their hungry stomachs. God saw the promised land, but they couldn't see past the sand at their feet.
But,
I can say that by God's grace, I have overcame and will continue to overcome these moments of pain, grumbling and complaining. They become less when I surrender. I have traded them in for joy, for trust, for hope. And I will continue to trade them in. My children deserve a Mother and a Father who are filled with joy, who are filled with hope for their future, who are filled with nothing but love.
My children are waiting, we are waiting, God is waiting to fulfil his promises. Waiting is hard. But it doesn't have to be.
As surely as the rain will fall, my children will come home.
How do I know this? Cause God told me so. There are no if, ands or buts about it. They are coming.
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Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Friday, November 11, 2011
Monday, October 24, 2011
Things I loved about today...
-walking to Starbucks in the morning with my sister and mother-in-law, my two nephews and one foster niece (beautiful day for a chilly fall walk!)
-taking my two puppies to play in the school field with my husband, we ran in all the leaves...wish I had my camera!!
-going to a rich ladies house to buy her son's old clothes (I found her on kijiji, and yes I have started to buy up some older boy clothes!!) I scored some beautiful Hilfiger winter coats, Dr. Suess converse that her sons just didn't have the chance to wear and some other really cute items! I may be jumping the gun, but a boy is pretty much guaranteed as I was informed on my phone call with MoT last week!!!! LOVE IT!!!!
-Getting my butt whooped at boot camp with my sister... actually the feeling after the workout I should say...I can't say I love the feeling of working out, but I do love the good feeling after the fact!
-Lounging in a hot bath after said butt whooping, eating popcorn and drinking a blood orange San Pellegrino. Yup that's right, I love to eat after I work out!!
-and now I look forward to an evening with my husband and my furbabies!
-Oh and I also LOVE this:
Psalm 113
Hallelujah! You who serve God, praise God!
Just to speak his name is praise! Just to remember God is a blessing-now and tomorrow and always.
From east to west, from dawn to dusk,
keep lifting all your praises to God!
God is higher than anything and anyone,
outshining everything you can see in the skies.
Who can compare with God, our God,
so majestically enthroned,
Surveying his magnificent heavens and earth?
He picks up the poor from the dirt,
rescues the wretched who've been thrown out with the trash,
Seats them among the honored guests,
a place honor among the brightest and best.
He gives childless couples a family,
gives them joy as the parents of children!!!!!!
HALLELUJAH!!!!!
One last thing I love about today:
-that the creator of the universe loves my child more than I do
And just in case you missed that last part:
He gives childless couples a family,
gives JOY as the parents of children!!!
That is the best!
And just for fun some photos I uploaded today that I love:
-taking my two puppies to play in the school field with my husband, we ran in all the leaves...wish I had my camera!!
-going to a rich ladies house to buy her son's old clothes (I found her on kijiji, and yes I have started to buy up some older boy clothes!!) I scored some beautiful Hilfiger winter coats, Dr. Suess converse that her sons just didn't have the chance to wear and some other really cute items! I may be jumping the gun, but a boy is pretty much guaranteed as I was informed on my phone call with MoT last week!!!! LOVE IT!!!!
-Getting my butt whooped at boot camp with my sister... actually the feeling after the workout I should say...I can't say I love the feeling of working out, but I do love the good feeling after the fact!
-Lounging in a hot bath after said butt whooping, eating popcorn and drinking a blood orange San Pellegrino. Yup that's right, I love to eat after I work out!!
-and now I look forward to an evening with my husband and my furbabies!
-Oh and I also LOVE this:
Psalm 113
Hallelujah! You who serve God, praise God!
Just to speak his name is praise! Just to remember God is a blessing-now and tomorrow and always.
From east to west, from dawn to dusk,
keep lifting all your praises to God!
God is higher than anything and anyone,
outshining everything you can see in the skies.
Who can compare with God, our God,
so majestically enthroned,
Surveying his magnificent heavens and earth?
He picks up the poor from the dirt,
rescues the wretched who've been thrown out with the trash,
Seats them among the honored guests,
a place honor among the brightest and best.
He gives childless couples a family,
gives them joy as the parents of children!!!!!!
HALLELUJAH!!!!!
One last thing I love about today:
-that the creator of the universe loves my child more than I do
And just in case you missed that last part:
He gives childless couples a family,
gives JOY as the parents of children!!!
That is the best!
And just for fun some photos I uploaded today that I love:
Grandparents
Kids
Nephews, nieces and friends at Arnie's 30th birthday, lined up watching Veggie Tales...looking so innocent...only moments before the basement was destroyed and 5 fights had broken out!
Dogs (who act like babies!!)
Oh man he is funny!!
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Our single bucket list
Yesterday I was thinking of ways to distract myself as we wait for the call. I decided that we should make a "bucket" list of things we want to do before we have kids. When I told Arnie he said, "I've already done everything I want before having kids." This is true, we have done many, many big things in life already but I was thinking more of a "last chance" type of list. So I need some help, from all you moms out there, what should I add to my list??
A few of my thoughts:
-a weekend away to the mountains
-sleep in on the weekends
-go on a couple dates to our favorite restaurants
-finish all renos on the house
I know nothing can ever be better then having a family, but I'd like to focus on what I do have and can do now. I am so thankful for my husband (who turned 30 yesterday!!!!!) and I'd like to make the most of the single time we have now before it is gone (hopefully soon:)).
I know we have not wasted our time while we have been waiting and I am so happy for the things we have done together just as a married couple without kids. So I think it is important that I celebrate the accomplishments we have made together and the fun things God has allowed us to do together!
Our finished single bucket list:
-became a nurse, finished 2 years of school
-were youth leaders
-moved into our own home
-had 13 different renters in our home
-raised 4 puppies together (2 who passed away)
-held each other's hands through a family member's death
-celebrated one sister and two brother's weddings
-renovated 3 bathrooms, 2 bedrooms, one deck, one living room and dining room, and one backyard
-visited Arnie's family in Hungary
-travelled to Costa Rica, Mexico, Cuba, all over Canada and Hungary
-lead a mission's trip to Costa Rica to build a playground
-worked in an orphanage together
-loved on 3 nephews and 4 nieces
-celebrated 5 anniversaries, 5 birthdays and 5 christmases
-paid off our debts
-saved money to stay in Ethiopia for as long as it takes to bring our child home
-Co-managed a winter warming centre for homeless in Edmonton
-Arnie keeping his job for 11 years
-finished our family "banking plan"
As I write this list, I am again so thankful for all the things God has allowed us to do and has given us the resources to do.
OK, one last list:
Our bucket list:
-adopt from Ethiopia
A few of my thoughts:
-a weekend away to the mountains
-sleep in on the weekends
-go on a couple dates to our favorite restaurants
-finish all renos on the house
I know nothing can ever be better then having a family, but I'd like to focus on what I do have and can do now. I am so thankful for my husband (who turned 30 yesterday!!!!!) and I'd like to make the most of the single time we have now before it is gone (hopefully soon:)).
I know we have not wasted our time while we have been waiting and I am so happy for the things we have done together just as a married couple without kids. So I think it is important that I celebrate the accomplishments we have made together and the fun things God has allowed us to do together!
Our finished single bucket list:
-became a nurse, finished 2 years of school
-were youth leaders
-moved into our own home
-had 13 different renters in our home
-raised 4 puppies together (2 who passed away)
-held each other's hands through a family member's death
-celebrated one sister and two brother's weddings
-renovated 3 bathrooms, 2 bedrooms, one deck, one living room and dining room, and one backyard
-visited Arnie's family in Hungary
-travelled to Costa Rica, Mexico, Cuba, all over Canada and Hungary
-lead a mission's trip to Costa Rica to build a playground
-worked in an orphanage together
-loved on 3 nephews and 4 nieces
-celebrated 5 anniversaries, 5 birthdays and 5 christmases
-paid off our debts
-saved money to stay in Ethiopia for as long as it takes to bring our child home
-Co-managed a winter warming centre for homeless in Edmonton
-Arnie keeping his job for 11 years
-finished our family "banking plan"
As I write this list, I am again so thankful for all the things God has allowed us to do and has given us the resources to do.
OK, one last list:
Our bucket list:
-adopt from Ethiopia
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