Banner Word

A few weeks back when I had spent some time reflecting on 2011, I also spent time thinking about 2012. I have this deep desire that this year can not be wasted. I have set a few "goals" in my heart, some thoughts that I truly believe in and want to live out. As I thought over the past year, I felt that I had a banner word for the year (and the previous few years as well). The word that came to mind was WAIT. I have written on this before as it was the word that kept coming back to me. As I would spend time with Jesus over the past few years, this word was always in the conversation. Well, I feel like my word has changed for this year. I feel like our word is now FOCUS. It has come up consistently since the New Year. In regards to spending, travelling, working, vacationing, etc. the word whenever questions on these topics arise, has been FOCUS. Arnie and I have been trying hard to crack down on spending. We were tempted by this dirt cheap trip to Mexico and God said nice and clearly to us, Focus my children. So we are trying. We are focusing our hearts first on Jesus, then on where he will lead us. We are saving, working hard, praying and preparing.

Yesterday I went to help a friend out, while I was at her house she prayed for us and for our future child. I felt God say something I had heard a while back from a preacher I listened to, "If you take care of my business, I will take care of yours." To me this means serving God without reservation, caring for those he puts in front of me at work and in life and obeying what He asks me to do in my everyday life. It means if I see a need, I need to take care of it because that is what God asks of me. Now on the other side it also means, that as I care for and obey the work that Jesus asks of me, in return Jesus will take care of all my needs. I don't need to worry about a thing. I don't need to worry about my children because he is taking care of it! I don't need to worry about what I will eat or wear or what I will do because he will take care of it! I love that. I want to live life this way. I may not, actually I know I won't live this out perfectly but God is so good and so gracious to me to allow me to try. He has asked me to take care of a few people he has put in my life, so that is just what I am trying to do. And by God's grace and against all that I deserve, He has and will continue to take care of Arnie, our children and I.

1 John 3: 16-18

 ¹⁶ This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters. ¹⁷ If anyone has material possessions and sees a brother or sister in need but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in that person?¹⁸ Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.

A Father's Prayer

I started to make a Life Story scrapbook for our future child. I designated two pages, one for a Mother's Prayer and one for a Father's. These are prayers for our children as we wait.  Arnie finished his the other day and handed it to me, I wanted to share it because I felt he put into words what our hearts are saying.

A Father's Prayer

My gracious Savior. You are the giver of all good gifts; past, present and future. I thank you for the longing you’ve placed in me for divine justice, Holy and undefiled. To love orphans, care for the needy, and advocate for the marginalized. I thank you for creating us to love and be loved. Today my heart cries out for our children. I am in a state of longing … longing to hold them, longing to teach them your ways, longing to fight for them even as I fight now. I ask that your grace, mercy, favor and presence be felt by them. Your love pierces distance and time. As a Father you are perfect in all your ways. Teach me your truth, that I may resemble you. Prepare me to love unconditionally. Equip me with patience, grace and forgiveness. I ask that you would also be teaching my children your truths. Write them on their hearts I pray. As You refine gold in the fire, so you have already begun the cleansing in my children; Poverty , hunger, loss, hardships. You have humbled my children beyond any humility I’ve  learned. I pray that You would raise up leaders out of the ashes of despair and warriors out of injustice. You call the lowly , especially those the world writes off. I declare my children yours to shape and break and mould. Today my Jesus, I release them fully into your care. Until you hand them over to us, I ask again for your hand of wisdom to be on my wife and I. We long to be parents who go above and beyond what this world has deemed ‘good’.

I Love You Jesus,  Your son

Taking account for 2011

The new year has come and gone and I was asleep. I could've stayed up but I had to work and felt the need to be responsible and not go to work sleep deprived. Not sure if this was a good decision or not but alas I slept through the changing of 2011 to 2012.

I wanted to spent some time and go through 2011, take account for the last year of life that I had the privilege to live through.
When I first sat down the only thing that came to mind was how hard and awful 2011 had been. How I was so thankful it was over and how I didn't even want to remember all the events that had taken place. I thought over all the difficulties of 2011 and came up with a large list. Among the top ten were: potential adoptions becoming non-potential adoptions, the death of my high school best friend, our volunteer job (although it was a positive experience in the end, it took every ounce of anything in me to make it through), quitting my job, applying, interviewing and training for my new one, and of course the age old adoption/infertility battle.

Then I started my blessings list... it started off small, short, stale and stingy. Maybe after reviewing the enormous difficulties list I had nothing left in me... but slowly as I began to unfold my year through prayer, God started showing me the blessing that I did have in 2011. And truthfully, the blessing list kicked the difficulties list's butt.

This year was among the hardest years of my life to date: stress and pain wise, but I have never experienced God's presence and grace in my life quite like I did last year. I was never alone. Never. Ever. I walked through some dark times but I was still never alone. And I am so grateful for all those times. God reminded me of the character he built inside me as He allowed me to go through the storms and I feel like I am slowly emerging a strong, victorious and courageous person. I have far to go still but I am so glad I can look back and know that 2011 was not a wasted year. At first I wanted to forget it even happened, but now I can honestly say I am so much more because of it.

As far as 2012 goes... I have many hopes, no set plans, but hope for plans. I won't say that this is my year or that this year my dreams will come true, because I don't know that for sure, but I can say STAY TUNED..... this year will not be wasted!!! Arnie and I have a few little schemes in the back of our heads that we are praying about, so if you think of us please say a little prayer that we follow all of what God has and wants for us in 2012.

A few highlights from 2011:

Baptism in our hot tub

Foster kids who got adopted this past spring

The two crazies... always brighten a day!

This one crazy huge tattoo!

My two sweet nephews

My niece came to visit in March for her birthday

Mosaic (winter warming) ran until April

Forts in the snow

Girls night out!!!

5th year anniversary in Mexico

The beach

Sundays in the summer at Mosaic

Boot camp with my sisters!

A few days spent at the cottage in Ontario this summer

My three beautiful nieces in Ontario

Hungary

In a park in Hungary with the family

Hiking trip in Jasper with the church

As of the past few months Arnie and I have been doing some serious crafting and throughly enjoying it!! I have been working on a special room for a future special someone!

And last week Christmas in Vancouver to finish the year off!

Christmas

Been thinking about Christmas lately... not too surprisingly as it is only a few days away.

Arnie and I decided we weren't going to do presents again this year for a couple of reasons...

1. We hate that Christmas has become about shopping, spending, buying, wasting and expectation.

2. After the fiasco with canada revenue and our adoption tax reversal/you need your child in your arms before you can claim adoption expenses ...so give us all the money back NOW... we have been on a savings/budget crack down, therefore leaving no room for spending on each other.

3. We'd rather buy something nice for our child. Every time I want to buy something, I think, "I'd rather buy something for our child instead of myself."

But the other day as I went to pick up a gift (not for Christmas) for a friend from lululemon, I felt myself starting to feel sorry for myself that I would not get a present this year. I wallowed in it for a few hours, asking Arnie if maybe he would want to get me just one present... whining to friends, etc. Then it hit me, I was disgusted with myself, how could I let one little sweater occupy so much of my time, emotions and energy. Sick. And again I am reminded what Christmas really is. I started thinking and praying and listening. I have already received the best gift I could ever need or want... and I received it long ago, before I was born, even before I was conceived. My sweet Jesus, he was born... on Christmas... just for me. He came to earth so I didn't have to suffer eternal separation from my creator, he came to save my life! And just because he loves me. And here I am pouting about a rag of cloth. Sick.

So this year I am asking for nothing and I'll put it out there... I'm not even asking for a phone call. I ask every other day of the year for that... so no asking on Jesus's birthday. It's not about me, it's not about our sweet child waiting, it's not about any of that. It's all about my Saviour. And I want to keep it that way. Of course I want the phone to ring, but honestly Christmas makes no difference to me, I want my child just as badly today as I will on Christmas day as I will come the New Year and so on... My heart's desire does not change because of the season, it is a steady, strong longing. So Christmas will not be about me and my pleading and begging. I resign. It's time to worship my King and surrender everything to the one who made me and saved me. He is my Christmas.

Honesty is the best policy

So for some reason after I have a really good day (the last post), it seems to be followed by a week of really bad days.
I'm going to be honest, this has been a really hard week so far. It's not anyone's fault but my own, but for some reason I have felt just at my end for the past couple days.
Today I had decided I didn't want to get out of bed, until my sister texted me to go to the Bay with her... I told her I was trying to be depressed in bed, but I agreed to go. I am thankful she made me get up, I think it would have done way more harm to try and stay in bed.
I don't want to feel this way, I want to have my hope and trust back. I keep praying that all this would just go away, but alas here I sit.
I read once, "The quickest way to the sunrise is to run straight through the darkness." I suppose that is me right now.
I am also sick of calling my husband and telling him I am having a bad day, I know he is sick of hearing it. I want to tell him that today is great and that I am doing well, but for the past few days I could not say that.
I feel bad but I have hard time being around other babies. I refused to hold one the other day because my heart just couldn't take it. I was offered to hold this newborn baby, and I had to say no. I had to protect myself. I just couldn't bare to hold the baby and look at them and think, I will never have this. It is just a torture that I needed to avoid. I hope I didn't come off as rude, but sometimes people just can't understand the pain that this process puts one through. It's not the babies fault and had that baby not had 20 other arms to hold it, I would have said yes. But that child did not need me to hold it, so I think I was better off to just say no.
I hope this passes.... and I hesitate to even post this as I do not want a pity party. I'd rather hide my feelings, but I want to remember the hard time too. In years from now when I read through this blog, I need to remember just how hard it was. I want to be victorious through this process, but I can't be victorious if this time wasn't hard. I would just be normal... and this process is anything but normal.
So, here I go today, hoping and praying for victory... trading this day in for one that is full of hope, joy and trust. Praying for this burden to be ....
The door bell just rang, a friend dropped off a gift certificate to tell us thank-you for the help we gave him. Wow, I guess God is listening. We have been trying to save back the money the government had to take back from us and we decided we couldn't afford to do anything for a while... well I guess God decided we needed a date night!!
Random but so needed....
Anyways, time to restart today.

Hope, Trust, Wait

Waiting is hard. Waiting for the weekend, waiting for Christmas, waiting for work to be over, waiting in line, waiting for food, waiting for mail, waiting on the phone.

I feel like I have experienced a whole new definition of waiting. Waiting to be matched with my child, waiting for that one particular phone call, waiting to travel to Ethiopia, waiting to decorate a room, waiting to fill a closet and toy chest, waiting to care for, nurture, love, waiting for God to fill my arms.

I've struggled, oh have I struggled. I've longed, I've cried, I've given up, I've prayed, I've called upon God.

But,
I have also loved, I have worked hard, I have trusted,  I have laughed,  I have found joy, I have had hope.

And these things are what have made it worth it.

At times I loose my focus, I cry out, I shout that this isn't fair, I throw tantrums.

And then other times, I look Jesus in the eyes and know and trust and have faith that he has it all under control.

I wish I could say I've waited in perfect patience, joy, peace, but I haven't. I'll be honest, I've had my share of groaning and complaining. Just like the Israelites, God saw the end but they couldn't see past their hungry stomachs. God saw the promised land, but they couldn't see past the sand at their feet.

But,
I can say that by God's grace, I have overcame and will continue to overcome these moments of pain, grumbling and complaining. They become less when I surrender. I have traded them in for joy, for trust, for hope. And I will continue to trade them in. My children deserve a Mother and a Father who are filled with joy, who are filled with hope for their future, who are filled with nothing but love.

My children are waiting, we are waiting, God is waiting to fulfil his promises. Waiting is hard. But it doesn't have to be.

As surely as the rain will fall, my children will come home.
How do I know this? Cause God told me so. There are no if, ands or buts about it. They are coming.

but those who HOPE in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. but those who TRUST in the LORD will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint. but they who WAIT for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

You know you need children when...