Blessed with Infertility

You may find the title to this post odd, "Blessed with Infertility", but lately I am coming to believe this to be true. Around 6 years ago, Arnie and I found out we were infertile. We had been "trying" for a baby for almost a year when we decided to go investigate if something may be wrong. Sure enough we were told their was a problem but that it could be fixed. We signed up for the surgery and waited the months wait before the day. We were told it would be about two years of recovery before our chances of having a baby would be "normal" again. The time has now doubled. There have been times during these years where I thought I was cursed. I would cry to God and ask him why he has made me barren, why could I not have a baby. I wondered if we were sinning or doing something wrong. I wondered if it was just my lot, that I was chosen to never have a baby.

But I am beginning to see things differently.

My heart is changing.
I remember a time when I got my period a few years back. I had my hopes up that maybe this would be the month, only to find them shattered just as quickly as the thought came. I cried and cried. I thought I was cursed. Somehow, God had turned his back on me and abandoned me to my pain. It was raw, real and painful. I felt it physically and most definitely emotionally. I crawled in my bed and into an emotional hole. I could've stayed here for a while but for some reason Jesus wouldn't let me.
I've gone up and down over the years. It's this natural human tendency to listen to God and trust him, then to find ourselves lost because we turned our eyes away. In this journey Jesus was stirring up a heart for adoption. But as I can testify to, this journey is a rollercoaster of it's own. A constant battle of trust verses mistrust. Do I trust the one who called me down this path or do I question that it's all a farce? Did I force my way or was I called this way? Throughout this blog I think it's plain to see this battle that we have gone through. The ups and downs that we have found ourselves in.
All this to say, I have found myself this morning praising Jesus that I am infertile. He took us on this journey of trust, pain, anticipation to show me that sometimes what we think is our biggest curse is actually our biggest blessing. This sweet little boy that we have named Isaac, would not be our son if God had not have heard my cry, thought of me in my despair and planned an even better surprise for me then I could have ever planned for myself.

I don't know exactly why I am infertile, but maybe one day Isaac will tell you why ;)

I'm sure it has to do with redemption, God's shalom, calling us back to relationship with him, creation and others.
That an orphan would be left in the night only to find himself the son of a Mother and Father.
That a couple would find themselves childless only to learn of a child who has found himself fatherless.

Jesus' plan for us surpasses my own. But I see him now, in a picture, with his little arms open wide and a smile on his face, somehow screaming, "It was me you were waiting for!!!!!"

I just can't wait to hold him, to look at him and know I was never cursed but blessed. I was not abandoned but chosen. I was loved and fought for, as was my Isaac.

Isaac's Baby Shower!!

Last Saturday was Isaac’s baby shower. I wasn’t sure I would ever get to have a baby shower. At points I didn’t know if we’d ever get to have a baby. You might think it is just a baby shower, but it was so much more to me. A 6.5 year long journey to get to this day. Although we have only been in the adoption process for 4.5 years, we have been in the “making a family” process for almost 7 years.

To be perfectly honest, I thought for a while that God had forgotten me. I knew He loved me, but maybe He had forgot about me… In theory I knew this couldn’t be true, but that’s the difference between head knowledge and heart knowledge. On the way to the baby shower it started to sink to my heart. He hadn’t forgotten me. He chose me. He chose Isaac. I just needed to wait a little longer than most people so it could be God’s perfect plan.

I feel, and my opinion is bias, that this was an incredibly unique and special baby shower. The joy was overwhelming as we celebrated this long awaited day. I cried many tears during this day. In fact I snuck out after Lisa prayed for the food because I was so overwhelmed. This day had come and it was perfect. My older sister and my niece were able to fly in and celebrate with me. My closet friends and family were there with me just to celebrate Isaac’s life! If that boy only knew what was waiting for him!!!

I was blessed by every part of the afternoon. Every detail had been carefully and intentionally planned. The coffee was Ethiopian fair trade, the food was from my favorite Ethiopian restaurant, the decorations were African themed. Isaac’s little red chair was even there! I can’t thank my family and friends enough for planning such a perfect baby shower.

On the invitations, Suzie had included a part about donations to bring to the orphanage. I was so excited to see all the gifts that everyone brought for the orphanage! I’ll take some pictures later and post them, it is truly beautiful to see everyone’s hearts for these children they haven’t even met.

And of course I also received gifts for Isaac… it seemed every gift was so carefully thought out and hand picked.

So thank-you to everyone who was a part of this afternoon, thank-you to everyone who has walked this journey with us and thank-you for everyone how loves my son without even have met him.

And now for some pictures:

The "guest book", everyone put their fingerprint to look like balloons!

This was the party favor. It was a mini coffee ceremony; a bag of popcorn and a small box of coffee beans. 

This table had wishes for baby Isaac, prayer cards and a finger-print "guestbook" 

Court Date Number One

This past monday we received our court file number. As we waited in anticipation for any news, my strength was growing weak. It had been over two months since our referral with no word of a court date and although I was trying to be patient, I was beginning to worry. In fact only hours before we received our file number I was just trying to hold it together as I thought of Isaac in the orphanage waiting for us. And again, God answered my prayers. I opened my email and gasped. My husband was still asleep and woke up in a shock yelling, "What? What?" After I told him the news he said, "Why did you gasp like someone died!!??" Yep I am dramatic and even more dramatic when all my emotions are pulled into this adoption. We were told from others that the average timeline after receiving the court file number, until you receive a court date would be about two weeks... well Jesus surprised us again and gave us our date only two days later we received our court date for March 15th. This is our first date out of two. The first date is for the biological parents or in the case that the child was abandoned, for a government representative to attend. If all goes well and we pass this date, we will receive the second court date, which is our date that we need to be present at. This date should be somewhere around 4 weeks after the first court date.
Yesterday was my baby shower (I'll post on that soon). I was feeling anxious going into the week without any court date news to give at the shower, so I prayed that God would give us a date by saturday. When I received our court file number, I was overjoyed, I didn't think I would have anything to tell people. I did not expect that we would get our court date two days later, but sure enough God answered my prayers and we were able to announce at the shower that we had received our first court date. I am continually humbled by my God and how He has taken us through this journey. I am not saying that every time I asked for something, it was given, in fact we waited through years of asking. For many years He asked me to wait and now I feel He is saying, "It is time." I didn't know if He would ever say that to me. In fact I was growing very weary of the word "wait". But He knew what we could handle and the time has come. He is in the process of bringing our son home. he will not be sped up but He also will not be delayed, His timing will be perfection.
So now we count down to March 15th, fervently praying that we pass court. There is nothing else we can do at this point but to trust Jesus and wait as His plan unfolds. Please remember us in your prayers as we pray to pass court the first time!

P.S. Two days ago I reached half supply of breast milk! I am currently pumping 15 oz. per day!!!!!!!!!

Having the time of our lives

As we settle in post-referral, we are nesting, preparing and well we are having the best time doing it. I did not think I'd ever get to have a nursery, but here I am preparing one. I did not think I'd ever get to breastfeed, yet here I am preparing too. In our wildest dreams we did not think we would get to have a baby, yet here we are waiting for him to come home. We are so blessed. Not a day goes by when I don't think about our son and how lucky we are to have him. We don't take this gift for granted because we know all too well how it feels without it.
So here we are, living it up, get ready to bring our son home. His room is coming along, not finished yet as I am afraid if I finish it too quickly I'll run out of things to do! I'm pumping now every 2-3 hours so that is taking up a lot of time as well and Arnie is renovating the kitchen hopefully to be done in time to go to Ethiopia. We are anticipating this trip, our son, with such excitement it is hard to wait. So to pass the time, this house has become a project of renovating, painting, organizing and cleaning.

A chapter closed, a chapter opened

A post from Arnie:

4 plus years of waiting and warring , and his name is Isaac. He has a face, a smile, and he is loved. Ive wrestled with not just the unfairness of adoption , of waiting and prayer, of children suffering , but the whole idea of taking in a stranger. God has chiseled off my edges and I've come out a little more defined and refined. More importantly though, I've learned over the last 5 years of my life who God is, what he's passionate about, and what my part in his kingdom looks like. God fights for each of us to become his heirs, and we inherit thru adoption that which we neither deserved , nor were capable of inheriting on our own. We are loved , fought for and his love which is undeserved is given freely. I've evaluated my part in the adoption and now see God's hand over my wife and marriage. I've had the privilege of fighting not just for Isaac, but for all of the oppressed, especially children. God has chosen the weak and oppressed, the marginalized and mistreated to be his favored ones. It’s a blessing to know that Isaac is favored, he was defended and fought for by the one who created him long before he was ever given to us ! I pray the day will come when we can hold him and show him in a tangible  way how loved he really is. But I know in my heart that the real battle has been, and will continue to be fought on or knees. I told Bek that the outcome doesn’t lie in being parents or in Isaac , but a passion for defending the fatherless and weak. This whole journey will be a selfish failure if our hearts aren’t changed , and lives don’t reflect it. If fighting for orphans is on our hearts , it must become a lifestyle, not just great ideology. I remember talking to a youth in our church at a retreat . His family has adopted 3 beautiful children . Our discussion was on the subject of what he wanted to do or become in this life; something tangible and realistic. And the first thing out of his mouth was that he was passionate about adoption. He talked about how much he loves his new family members and can t wait to go  down that road. I hope Isaac sees the value in adoption one day, and praise God if that passion comes at a young age. That family has clearly done something right!  But for now we continue to battle for little Isaac. The preparations seem to be endless and we love it. Our nephews pray for him daily, and recognize his picture already. Isaac has brought much joy to our family and friends. Now we patiently and passionately pray for his presence with us .

Phil 1 ; 3

Every time you cross my mind, I break out in exclamations of thanks to God. Each exclamation is a trigger to prayer. I find myself praying for you with a glad heart

And now we wait....just a little longer

The first question people ask me is, "So when does he come home?" Honestly, I really have no answer for this. I have seen court dates given as quickly as 2 months and some as long as 8 months. I don't know how long it will take for us. We think it will be closer to the shorter end because of certain paperwork logistics that we won't have to do, but we honestly can not predict what could happen. BUT this is what I do know; Isaac was hand picked to be our son. That before time began, he was chosen, we were chosen. I don't know when we will get to see him, hold him and call him ours officially. I'm not worried though. Jesus worked it out so far and I know he will carry us to the completion of this adoption. The story of Jesus sleeping in the boat in the middle of the storm has been one I have often referred to. I was reminded today of why Jesus was able to sleep in the boat. He had a plan, he knew the end result. He planned Isaac, he knew he would be ours and we would be his. He knew the day he would be born, the day we would receive our call and he was at peace. He could rest because he knew he had figured out the best plan for us. We now know the first portion of that plan, we know who! But now we wait a little longer. I hope though, that I have learned what trust looks like. I hope I can sleep in the boat, to rest in the storm of waiting, the unknown. My only answer is that although I don't know when Isaac will come home, Jesus does. He has a plan and it's good. So please pray for us as we wait, that Jesus would prepare us to be good parents, that he would get ready our hearts for this little baby and that we would wait patiently. Everything in me just wants him home, but more than what I want, I want what Jesus has in store for us. This is his plan, it always has been and so it needs to finish this way. It is not about us, but about the one who gave us this gift. Thank-you everyone for your prayers to bring Isaac home, I know God will listen. Please pray over our papers and Isaac's papers. Pray for a court date but also pray for God's will to be done!

Friends :)

I came home to this on my driveway today. One of my best friends made it up for me. She is a huge advocate for breastfeeding and is overjoyed that I will choosing to do it. So sweet and thoughtful! And I love the card.

I also had another friend drop off a "gotcha day" gift. It was a bag filled with the things that she said helped with bonding with her adopted children! Another friend gave some thoughtful signs for Isaac to hold for a photoshoot when he gets home! And of course his Aunty's showering him in gifts, begging for a registry, new Mexx outfits and who knows what else...

Spoiled? Um yes!! Already overwhelmed by everyone. Feeling so loved and more importantly my sweet Isaac is so loved! More than the gifts have been people's words. So kind, full of love and joy. I am so blessed to have so many people walk this road with us. I can't put into words the gratitude I have for each one of you congratulating us through messages, phone calls and in person. It's so much, I am so grateful. I will be updating more often as this adoption rolls along. I will keep you as best informed as I can! Thank-you again for all your love my beautiful family and friends!