Monday, February 23, 2015

Giving up control

Back to the waiting game of adoption.... Although the wait is different this time, there are so many things that remain the same. As I find time to sit and pray over this adoption, a theme keeps coming up in my heart: control. I like to control circumstances, control outcomes, control  the moment and just control my life. I don't like feeling out of control, I don't like leaving these things up to someone else... Even if that someone else is God. It's shameful to admit, but it's the truth, I catch myself so many times trying to write my own story. Trying to control this adoption, the outcome, the wait, picking dates I feel it should all happen in, etc, etc. Unlike pregnancy, I have zero control over taking care of my baby in utero. I can not take prenatal vitamins for the baby, I can not make sure the baby is getting folic acid, I can't avoid alcohol and drugs for the baby, I have zero control. This is hard for me, to think the control of my baby is in the hands of someone else. I can't go for regular check ups to make sure baby is doing ok, go for an ultrasound to see how baby is growing, I can't do any of that. All I can do is release control to God. He is the only one who can see all of that and he is the only one truly in control of the baby anyways. I'd love to control when our baby will come, what they will eat, how often they will be held, if they will cry it out or not, if they will be rocked to sleep, if they will be cuddled and kissed, if they will have their diaper changed, if they will be circumsized, if they will eat solids sooner than later, if they will be breastfed, if they will sit properly
In a car seat, if they will sleep in someone's arms or a crib... Honestly I could go on and on... Just think of all the decisions you make in your baby's first year of life. All the choices you make because you feel those choices matter and are what will be best for your baby in the long run. In adoption, these choices are made for me, and most of the time
are  choices I would not choose if I was given control. So I find myself in this hard place of trusting Jesus and panicking over every detail. I still mourn the loss of control over Isaacs first year, it's hard to let go. The only thing that makes this better is knowing that Jesus was and remains in control of our whole situation. This is the part of adoption they don't review in the workshops, that your social worker doesn't warn you about and the part, I honestly, just didn't premeditated. Yet it hit me like a tonne of bricks with isaac and is a daily issue as we wait for number two. Really all
I can pray is for God's grace on my
Life and on baby's life as we wait to see Gods story unfold.

Monday, February 9, 2015

Turning a corner

I've seen a change in Isaac over the past few months. It has been gradual and I almost didn't notice it. If you know my son, you know that he has one level of cry and that he is sensitive. He cries when he is hurt, loudly. His cry for over a papercut and his cry over scraped bloody knees is the same- LOUD. This is one part I have never really minded about him. I love to hold him when he cries. The other day, he fell and got scared and as I was holding him and rocking him, I noticed he put his head on my shoulder without me encouraging it. You may think I'm crazy for noticing this but only months previous he did not respond this way. He would use his arms to push against me and throw his head back. He reacted this way most of the time. I would hold him facing me and try to push his head gentle against me, he often resisted this. So you may understand my shock and joy when I noticed that he clung to me. He put his head down, wrapped his arms around me, and squeezed hard. I know this is small, but I feel it is so huge in our journey of attachment. He trusts me enough to wrap his arms around me instead of push me away.
On Sunday, as we walked down to the nursery, he asked me to pick him up. As I picked him up he stated, "you are my mama." I'm not sure what goes on in his mind but somehow I can see that I am becoming irreplaceable ...we are turning a corner and I'm so happy about it. 
Putting his arm around daddy to watch a movie.
The cutest kissing face!!