Giving up control

Back to the waiting game of adoption.... Although the wait is different this time, there are so many things that remain the same. As I find time to sit and pray over this adoption, a theme keeps coming up in my heart: control. I like to control circumstances, control outcomes, control  the moment and just control my life. I don't like feeling out of control, I don't like leaving these things up to someone else... Even if that someone else is God. It's shameful to admit, but it's the truth, I catch myself so many times trying to write my own story. Trying to control this adoption, the outcome, the wait, picking dates I feel it should all happen in, etc, etc. Unlike pregnancy, I have zero control over taking care of my baby in utero. I can not take prenatal vitamins for the baby, I can not make sure the baby is getting folic acid, I can't avoid alcohol and drugs for the baby, I have zero control. This is hard for me, to think the control of my baby is in the hands of someone else. I can't go for regular check ups to make sure baby is doing ok, go for an ultrasound to see how baby is growing, I can't do any of that. All I can do is release control to God. He is the only one who can see all of that and he is the only one truly in control of the baby anyways. I'd love to control when our baby will come, what they will eat, how often they will be held, if they will cry it out or not, if they will be rocked to sleep, if they will be cuddled and kissed, if they will have their diaper changed, if they will be circumsized, if they will eat solids sooner than later, if they will be breastfed, if they will sit properly

In a car seat, if they will sleep in someone's arms or a crib... Honestly I could go on and on... Just think of all the decisions you make in your baby's first year of life. All the choices you make because you feel those choices matter and are what will be best for your baby in the long run. In adoption, these choices are made for me, and most of the time

are  choices I would not choose if I was given control. So I find myself in this hard place of trusting Jesus and panicking over every detail. I still mourn the loss of control over Isaacs first year, it's hard to let go. The only thing that makes this better is knowing that Jesus was and remains in control of our whole situation. This is the part of adoption they don't review in the workshops, that your social worker doesn't warn you about and the part, I honestly, just didn't premeditated. Yet it hit me like a tonne of bricks with isaac and is a daily issue as we wait for number two. Really all

I can pray is for God's grace on my

Life and on baby's life as we wait to see Gods story unfold.