Saturday, July 30, 2011

Away We Go

We are off to Hungary on monday! Arnie's family is from Hungary, in fact only his parents live in Canada, the rest of the extended family all live in Hungary. Arnie's grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc, all live in a small village in the middle of Hungary. Seeing as we have been married over five years already, we realized that it was finally time to go and visit the rest of his family. We had been putting this trip off because we thought that the adoption would have gone through a lot sooner. I had originally wanted to go either on the way to Ethiopia or on the way back. I thought I could save some money flying to Europe then straight over to Africa and do two trips in one...but the time is here and we are doing the trip without Ethiopia. I am a little sad about that, but maybe this will be better in the end.

Arnie's family all go to a Nazarene church, which has a very strict doctrine. To give you an idea: the women sit on one side and the men on the other, also the women still have to wear head coverings! I am not too fond of this idea as I do not believe in this theology, but never the less... I will have agreed to don the lacy head covering! ( No, I will not take pictures!!) Because of this "serious" theology, his family is very strict and has a lot of "funny" ideas, like if you are infertile, you must be sinning. Arnie has been preparing me for this, but I am just praying that no one actually says it to my face...I think  I would not react well to that! He said that they mean well, but have been taught some things that don't really stash up. I was a little hurt to know that I am being judged before they have even met me, but I also have had time to forgive them and prepare for this before I get there. I am just praying that they can see through the lies and see who I really am.

Despite these things, I am looking forward to finally going to Hungary. My husband spent many childhood summers in this small village and he loves it. I feel like I will get to discover a little more about him and a little more about my family. I look forward to the simple country life, harvesting concord grapes, swimming in the river, riding bikes to get ice cream and playing with all the children!

So, this means if for some miraculous reason, we get the call, our sister will be answering the phone for us. The plan is that the agency will call her first, then she will get a hold of us in Hungary. I'm going to try and not think about the adoption while I am in Hungary because I want to be fully present and enjoy every minute of this trip. I am planning to take a little vacation from the adoption while I am away. I think it will be good to try and forget about it all...even for a little while.

Oh and I don't have to work for a month!!! YEY!!

I will try to post a few pics from Hungary, but I am not sure how the internet and all that will work we will see!!!

Have a good month and if I can't post, I'll be back in September!

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Missing him

My husband went fishing in BC this last weekend. He left thursday and will finally be home tomorrow. I didn't realize how needy I actually am until he left. Man it sure sucks to be the one left at home! I had to work all weekend and have been painting a friend's house, but the lonely in my bed. If anything though, I appreciate Arnie a little more today, he really is the love of my life! I just couldn't imagine anyone better, he is the best husband I could ever ask for! ( well he was until he left me to go fishing!!)

Part of what makes this adoption process so hard, is seeing my husband wait for his children. As much as I want this, he is right beside me waiting, longing and hoping for his children too. He will be the best dad one love him and are always drawn to him. When we were running the winter warming at mosaic, he had a bunch of kids who would come in everyday looking for him. I would watch him with the kids, he would get into their world and treat them like they were truly precious to him. I would show up sometimes and the kids would come through the front door screaming, "Where's Arnie??!!". It is so beautiful, but so hard, cause I want our children for him. If it could just be one of us waiting...I would wait, watching him being a dad would be enough for me. But here we are, together, hand in hand, waiting... and it's ok. It's the best to have him beside me, we are closer then most people will get a chance to be because of this. We will be stronger then most people will get to be, and when the time arrives, we will be overflowing with joy...together.

You can come home now!!!!

Friday, July 15, 2011

Pain and Healing

The other night my brother went to a healing service. Now before I get too far I want you to know that I believe God heals, I believe that when He says we can heal in Jesus name that we can... that said this healing service was more of the "Health and Wealth" type. They claim that if we proclaim it with our mouths that it will either curse or heal us. So you are supposed to speak health and wealth type statements over yourself and then it will happen. They say that God desires for us all the be in perfect health and that we would not struggle with money. I have a hard time with this for a number of reasons.

John 16:33

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

Matthew 5:11

"Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me."

God did not promise this world would be perfect, in fact he told us it would be full of trouble and hardships! Not that He wants us to be sick and poor....and not that the state of the world does not break his heart. The point is that heaven is perfect...

Bit of a side rant: I can't answer why children die or starve to death or why hideous, awful, things happen to innocent people, but I do believe that God has given us the tools to make a difference. If North America did not consume 80% of the world's goods, starvation would not exist. Sometimes I think we go ahead destroying this world, then when it falls apart we blame God, instead of ourselves.

When I think of my situation, I think of the pain I have been through with infertility and this never ending adoption process....I wouldn't take it back. Sometimes I think God allows us to through these troubles so that we find Him. Not that He is cruel but that He knows in the end it will all be perfect. Healing is for His glory, miracles are for His glory, not ours. I have cried out so many times that God would heal me or bring my children. He has not. And that is ok. Because I have felt Him, He has been beside me, He has not abandoned me. There are days when the pain of waiting is so deep that the only thing that will help me is God's peace. There is absolutely nothing in this world that will help, believe me I have tried! This world will only let me down...but Jesus, oh my Jesus, He just knows. It's not that I want to keep waiting, but when I look back over the past years, my relationship would not be what it is; therefore my pain has brought glory to God. So it is ok. It's ok to be hurt, and it's ok to feel pain.

Cause one day we will rise out of these ashes, we will be with our Jesus and then and only then it will be perfect.

John 14:18 "I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you."
He will not leave us in pain and suffering, He will come to us! He may not heal us or make us rich...but we are healed in His presence and rich in His love.

And if we think Jesus does not know what it means to suffer in this world...

Isaiah 53

 1 Who has believed our message
   and to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed? 
2 He grew up before him like a tender shoot,
   and like a root out of dry ground.
He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,
   nothing in his appearance that we should desire him. 
3 He was despised and rejected by mankind,
   a man of suffering, and familiar with pain.
Like one from whom people hide their faces
   he was despised, and we held him in low esteem.

 4 Surely he took up our pain
   and bore our suffering,
yet we considered him punished by God,
   stricken by him, and afflicted. 
5 But he was pierced for our transgressions,
   he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was on him,
   and by his wounds we are healed. 
6 We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
   each of us has turned to our own way;
and the LORD has laid on him
   the iniquity of us all.

 7 He was oppressed and afflicted,
   yet he did not open his mouth;
he was led like a lamb to the slaughter,
   and as a sheep before its shearers is silent,
   so he did not open his mouth. 
8 By oppression and judgment he was taken away.
   Yet who of his generation protested?
For he was cut off from the land of the living;
   for the transgression of my people he was punished.

9 He was assigned a grave with the wicked,
   and with the rich in his death,
though he had done no violence,
   nor was any deceit in his mouth.

 10 Yet it was the LORD’s will to crush him and cause him to suffer,
   and though the LORD makes 
his life an offering for sin,
he will see his offspring and prolong his days,
   and the will of the LORD will prosper in his hand. 
11 After he has suffered,
   he will see the light of life 
and be satisfied;
by his knowledge
 my righteous servant will justify many,
   and he will bear their iniquities. 
12 Therefore I will give him a portion among the great,
   and he will divide the spoils with the strong,

because he poured out his life unto death,
   and was numbered with the transgressors.
For he bore the sin of many,
   and made intercession for the transgressors.

Sunday, July 10, 2011


A word that has been on my heart for at least two years. About two years ago our agency went bankrupt, during this time I was given a song, the word WAIT was heavy on me. I felt God saying, "Wait for me". I had a choice facing me, either I would listen and wait or I would try and fight for my own way.

Two years later that same word is in my mind. WAIT. Only it holds more meaning now. I have waited and therefore know what it means to wait, but I still have far to go to really learn what it fully means. To me it means: listen, watch and hope. Listen to what God is saying, follow where He leads and wait for his voice. Watch for God, watch and see what He will do and watch how He will turn all things to His glory. Wait with hope, never give up, do not try to take over, but always hope for what is to come.

Although this word is a hard one for me and it is one I often am sick of hearing,  I think when you truly dig into it, there is so much to be learned.

I mirror my situation with that of waiting for heaven. I am not responsible for the date I will arrive in heaven, I am not even responsible for what I will do after I am in heaven, but I am responsible on how I will wait for heaven. Will I waste my time or will I make the most of it? Will I keep my focus on earth or will I focus on eternity? You see I will never be done waiting while I am on this planet. I will continue to wait for God until the day He calls me home.

So when I think about this, I know I still have so much to learn.

It doesn't mean I don't desire my children, it means that I focus on Jesus while He desires them with me. It means I wait for His timing, and His plan. It means I wait with hope and faith as He slowly reveals His plan in this whole story.

Taken from our hike this weekend

Monday, July 4, 2011

Camping in the middle of nowhere

This weekend our family decided to pack up and go camping. We grabbed our tents, sleeping bags and some food and headed to Rock Lake, north of Hinton. We knew it would be more of a roughing it camp out but we did not realize how far out it actually was! We had to drive down a windy gravel road for about an hour to finally get to our camp ground. When we got there the water pump was not working, we realized we only had water for a day and that we forgot our propane tank for the stove. We cooked over the fire that night and rationed our water until saturday. Although I don't think we will go back to that campground, we had a great time. The only thing better would have been a couple of black babies along with us :)

We are learning patience every day. Every day when I wake up I have to go to God to ask for endurance for the day. Just enough until tomorrow. Just enough to make it through the day in front of me. And He is faithful. I don't always have joy in the waiting, but there are times when I am reminded that there is no better day then today. I think of the blessings in my life and muster up enough strength to carry on.

One day our day will come, it will be perfect, better then expected and more than we could imagine.

Then I'll go camping again.