Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Honesty is the best policy

So for some reason after I have a really good day (the last post), it seems to be followed by a week of really bad days.
I'm going to be honest, this has been a really hard week so far. It's not anyone's fault but my own, but for some reason I have felt just at my end for the past couple days.
Today I had decided I didn't want to get out of bed, until my sister texted me to go to the Bay with her... I told her I was trying to be depressed in bed, but I agreed to go. I am thankful she made me get up, I think it would have done way more harm to try and stay in bed.
I don't want to feel this way, I want to have my hope and trust back. I keep praying that all this would just go away, but alas here I sit.
I read once, "The quickest way to the sunrise is to run straight through the darkness." I suppose that is me right now.
I am also sick of calling my husband and telling him I am having a bad day, I know he is sick of hearing it. I want to tell him that today is great and that I am doing well, but for the past few days I could not say that.
I feel bad but I have hard time being around other babies. I refused to hold one the other day because my heart just couldn't take it. I was offered to hold this newborn baby, and I had to say no. I had to protect myself. I just couldn't bare to hold the baby and look at them and think, I will never have this. It is just a torture that I needed to avoid. I hope I didn't come off as rude, but sometimes people just can't understand the pain that this process puts one through. It's not the babies fault and had that baby not had 20 other arms to hold it, I would have said yes. But that child did not need me to hold it, so I think I was better off to just say no.
I hope this passes.... and I hesitate to even post this as I do not want a pity party. I'd rather hide my feelings, but I want to remember the hard time too. In years from now when I read through this blog, I need to remember just how hard it was. I want to be victorious through this process, but I can't be victorious if this time wasn't hard. I would just be normal... and this process is anything but normal.
So, here I go today, hoping and praying for victory... trading this day in for one that is full of hope, joy and trust. Praying for this burden to be ....
The door bell just rang, a friend dropped off a gift certificate to tell us thank-you for the help we gave him. Wow, I guess God is listening. We have been trying to save back the money the government had to take back from us and we decided we couldn't afford to do anything for a while... well I guess God decided we needed a date night!!
Random but so needed....
Anyways, time to restart today.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Hope, Trust, Wait

Waiting is hard. Waiting for the weekend, waiting for Christmas, waiting for work to be over, waiting in line, waiting for food, waiting for mail, waiting on the phone.

I feel like I have experienced a whole new definition of waiting. Waiting to be matched with my child, waiting for that one particular phone call, waiting to travel to Ethiopia, waiting to decorate a room, waiting to fill a closet and toy chest, waiting to care for, nurture, love, waiting for God to fill my arms.

I've struggled, oh have I struggled. I've longed, I've cried, I've given up, I've prayed, I've called upon God.

I have also loved, I have worked hard, I have trusted,  I have laughed,  I have found joy, I have had hope.

And these things are what have made it worth it.

At times I loose my focus, I cry out, I shout that this isn't fair, I throw tantrums.

And then other times, I look Jesus in the eyes and know and trust and have faith that he has it all under control.

I wish I could say I've waited in perfect patience, joy, peace, but I haven't. I'll be honest, I've had my share of groaning and complaining. Just like the Israelites, God saw the end but they couldn't see past their hungry stomachs. God saw the promised land, but they couldn't see past the sand at their feet.

I can say that by God's grace, I have overcame and will continue to overcome these moments of pain, grumbling and complaining. They become less when I surrender. I have traded them in for joy, for trust, for hope. And I will continue to trade them in. My children deserve a Mother and a Father who are filled with joy, who are filled with hope for their future, who are filled with nothing but love.

My children are waiting, we are waiting, God is waiting to fulfil his promises. Waiting is hard. But it doesn't have to be.

As surely as the rain will fall, my children will come home.
How do I know this? Cause God told me so. There are no if, ands or buts about it. They are coming.

but those who HOPE in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
but those who TRUST in the LORD will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.

but they who WAIT for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Friday, November 11, 2011

Releasing the Reigns