Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Honesty is the best policy

So for some reason after I have a really good day (the last post), it seems to be followed by a week of really bad days.
I'm going to be honest, this has been a really hard week so far. It's not anyone's fault but my own, but for some reason I have felt just at my end for the past couple days.
Today I had decided I didn't want to get out of bed, until my sister texted me to go to the Bay with her... I told her I was trying to be depressed in bed, but I agreed to go. I am thankful she made me get up, I think it would have done way more harm to try and stay in bed.
I don't want to feel this way, I want to have my hope and trust back. I keep praying that all this would just go away, but alas here I sit.
I read once, "The quickest way to the sunrise is to run straight through the darkness." I suppose that is me right now.
I am also sick of calling my husband and telling him I am having a bad day, I know he is sick of hearing it. I want to tell him that today is great and that I am doing well, but for the past few days I could not say that.
I feel bad but I have hard time being around other babies. I refused to hold one the other day because my heart just couldn't take it. I was offered to hold this newborn baby, and I had to say no. I had to protect myself. I just couldn't bare to hold the baby and look at them and think, I will never have this. It is just a torture that I needed to avoid. I hope I didn't come off as rude, but sometimes people just can't understand the pain that this process puts one through. It's not the babies fault and had that baby not had 20 other arms to hold it, I would have said yes. But that child did not need me to hold it, so I think I was better off to just say no.
I hope this passes.... and I hesitate to even post this as I do not want a pity party. I'd rather hide my feelings, but I want to remember the hard time too. In years from now when I read through this blog, I need to remember just how hard it was. I want to be victorious through this process, but I can't be victorious if this time wasn't hard. I would just be normal... and this process is anything but normal.
So, here I go today, hoping and praying for victory... trading this day in for one that is full of hope, joy and trust. Praying for this burden to be ....
The door bell just rang, a friend dropped off a gift certificate to tell us thank-you for the help we gave him. Wow, I guess God is listening. We have been trying to save back the money the government had to take back from us and we decided we couldn't afford to do anything for a while... well I guess God decided we needed a date night!!
Random but so needed....
Anyways, time to restart today.


  1. Oh Rebekah, I feel the same way too. I just want us to have our children home in our arms.. This time of year is extremly hard..
    Hope you are able to have a good date night!!


  2. Thanks for your honesty, Bekah - you are fighting a battle and it's a really, really hard one!

  3. Well I am thinking and praying for you often!

  4. yup, I think you have to get it all down. This WILL pass, it will, and to look back years from now, I think we will want to remember it all as we hold our sweet children close. Praying often for you! darci