Christmas

Been thinking about Christmas lately... not too surprisingly as it is only a few days away.

Arnie and I decided we weren't going to do presents again this year for a couple of reasons...

1. We hate that Christmas has become about shopping, spending, buying, wasting and expectation.

2. After the fiasco with canada revenue and our adoption tax reversal/you need your child in your arms before you can claim adoption expenses ...so give us all the money back NOW... we have been on a savings/budget crack down, therefore leaving no room for spending on each other.

3. We'd rather buy something nice for our child. Every time I want to buy something, I think, "I'd rather buy something for our child instead of myself."

But the other day as I went to pick up a gift (not for Christmas) for a friend from lululemon, I felt myself starting to feel sorry for myself that I would not get a present this year. I wallowed in it for a few hours, asking Arnie if maybe he would want to get me just one present... whining to friends, etc. Then it hit me, I was disgusted with myself, how could I let one little sweater occupy so much of my time, emotions and energy. Sick. And again I am reminded what Christmas really is. I started thinking and praying and listening. I have already received the best gift I could ever need or want... and I received it long ago, before I was born, even before I was conceived. My sweet Jesus, he was born... on Christmas... just for me. He came to earth so I didn't have to suffer eternal separation from my creator, he came to save my life! And just because he loves me. And here I am pouting about a rag of cloth. Sick.

So this year I am asking for nothing and I'll put it out there... I'm not even asking for a phone call. I ask every other day of the year for that... so no asking on Jesus's birthday. It's not about me, it's not about our sweet child waiting, it's not about any of that. It's all about my Saviour. And I want to keep it that way. Of course I want the phone to ring, but honestly Christmas makes no difference to me, I want my child just as badly today as I will on Christmas day as I will come the New Year and so on... My heart's desire does not change because of the season, it is a steady, strong longing. So Christmas will not be about me and my pleading and begging. I resign. It's time to worship my King and surrender everything to the one who made me and saved me. He is my Christmas.