Trial and Error and the "love-shun"

We have been home just over two weeks and we have begun venturing out of the house. We are trying to choose our outings wisely, debating if where we go will be overwhelming for Ella or if it will be ok. Well, let me tell you friends, this is no easy task. I find myself failing more often than winning. I've felt guilty and have questioned myself many times. Ella has been with us for 2 months now, but we still have so far to go. SO. FAR. I was reminded today that time really has nothing to do with her attachment. No one can say stay inside for x amount of days then go here and there, allow this person to see her and keep others away until this date... how I wish it could be this easy. I wish I could follow rules, but there just aren't set rules that will work for every child. So here we go, trial and error, trying to figure out our new life. It's hard. We went to Isaac's swimming lessons and then strollersize today. I ended up spending half the class in the back because Ella wanted to be held. It was a half fail...and it has made me realize that stroller size just isn't for us right now. She needs to know I'll pick her up when she needs it and me trying to get a few more minutes in with distracting her only frustrated both. So back home we go, nesting again. Trial and error. But isn't that the beauty of parenting, we don't need to nail it all the time. It's ok to try something and decide it doesn't work for you and move on. You will see me second guessing myself often. I may be hard on myself but in the end I've been given a job to determine what is best for my children. This is, by far, the hardest job I have been given. Two precious lives, traumatized, and now I am entrusted to pick up the pieces. I am so thankful for  a Jesus who guides me and allows me room to grow. I just hope I can lay aside my self to hear him well enough.
With all this said, we ask you continue to re-direct, shun, ignore, whatever you want to call it, but please continue to do this for us. Ella is not ready for more relationships yet. She is still figuring out she needs us and that we are not leaving her. I can't tell you how much it hurts to feel like I am replaceable or dispensable in her mind. I often break down at this thought. She is used to a revolving door of caregivers and this feeling will not go away overnight. Unfortunately, we do not have an end date, we just need you to trust us. Loving Ella means when she reaches for you, you point her back to me. Her heart is confused, she is figuring out her home base on which to live life from, this needs to be Arnie and I right now. While she is showing she prefers me at times, this is so fragile. She is still figuring out where to go for comfort. Please also pray for us, for wisdom and for Ella to continue to form an attachment to us. I have so many more thoughts in my head right now, I'm just not sure how to word it all. We are in the thick of it and it is hard but we trust God to lead us through. Thank-you for your love from a far, it means so much to us right now.