If only...

We are home now, from a whirlwind journey to our son. I'll write more about that later as I believe it deserves it's own story telling.
We are on Day 7 or 8 of quarantine... I've lost track but I know we are half way done. It's been hard and it's been good.
I've tried to create some routine and normalcy during this time to help us through. One of those things is getting outside, even if it's cold. Today was no exception. We went to the backyard to feel some sun on our faces and move our bodies. I perched myself on top of the hot tub so I could look over the fence. I was peering down the street thinking...if only I was allowed off the property and could go for a run. If only I could go for a drive. If only I could see a friend. If only...
And suddenly He whispered, "I am enough." And it dawned on me that "If only", is actually a lie. It's a lie we speak in so many different situations, and this current state we are all in, is definitely one of them.
I realized this lie creeping up in Florida. The timing of Benjamin's birth and the announcement of the world pandemic collided and left me shaken. From the day before we boarded the plane, the "If only's" began. If only we make it on the flight. If only we land in Florida. If only she signs consent. If only we get to hold him. If only we get a court date. If only we pass court. If only we get all of our documents. If only we find a way home. If only we step through our front door. I lived in all of these uncertainties daily. They ate me alive. I broke. Those first few days were horrible as I tried to fight through anxiety. It robbed me of the joy of holding my son for the first time, of feeding him, of rocking him, of calling him ours. I don't know if I could have lived in the moment more and avoided this anxiety. I don't know if it could've been different, but maybe believing that Jesus is enough would have grounded me.
But, today it struck me. As I peered longingly down the street, dreaming of the week to pass me by so I could go out and run it, it hit me. There is nothing more I could add to my life that would make it more complete. He is enough. Even when we are uncertain, even when I didn't know if our adoption would go through, even if it didn't end the way it did. He would still have been enough. He always was and always will be. I don't know about you, but that makes my heart rest easy. He can provide all we need when we need it. I'm not talking about things of this earth, I'm talking about peace that passes understanding, joy in the face of trial, and love in place of fear.
I have in no way arrived and feel complete in every moment of every day, but I feel challenged to wrestle with this thought. Contentment. To believe that there is nothing more I could add that would be enough.
We are so blessed my friends. We are blessed in this physical life. May contentment and the words, "I am enough", rest easy on your soul this week. Whether you are quarantined, socially isolated, alone, or overwhelmed, may you know we have access to the one who is enough for us.