Most of you know already we found out this morning that we did not pass our court date. We are unsure why but were simply told it was rescheduled for March 29th. My reaction was not premeditated or predicted. My heart sunk deep into my chest almost taking my breath away. Almost instantly a cry, "God this was not supposed to happen."
God, your will be done... but I really meant, my will be done.
God, in your timing for it is perfect... but I really meant, in my timing for I have it figured out best.
Loose Christianese words thrown around by the tongue, but not deep enough to settle in the heart. My reaction translated all too well the actual meaning behind my prayers and words.
Expectation.
I have faith, sure, faith in what I want. But do I have FAITH in it's actuality? Faith that God will be glorified, faith through both triumph and tribulation?
So through my tears I thank God for showing me the impurities of my heart, my God in a box faith, my feel good gospel. It's shallow isn't it to demand of our creator, to put our expectations on HIM. To act as if Isaac is mine first.
Please don't think I'm being hard on myself, far too often I'm easy on myself. Sometimes we need to face the truth and I believe God has allowed me to see how I view him. My vending machine, name it and claim it, my friend before my God.
So we wait. It is hard because it's not what I wanted. But I know in my heart that before what I want, I want Jesus. And that is not taken lightly, that is not a free ticket but one that rejoices in triumphs and tribulations.
Please pray for us to want God's will more than our own, to want His timing more than our own. It is a constant battle. Please pray that we would love God more than we love Isaac.
Moving forward. All hope is not lost, but my hope is in the one who gave me Isaac, not in a jurisdiction that dictates whether my son will be ours or not, but in the one who called us by name. The giver of gifts, the one who calls us out and the one who asks us to be faithful through think and thin.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
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Rebekah and Arnie and Isaac. All loved and tended and cared for by you Jesus. Precious Lord bring your peace to their hearts and your strength and joy as they wait on you, giver of all. Thank you Father for your beauty that I see in these people and I praise you for the glory that comes to you through their witness. Be with them in this darkness as they wait for the morning joy that I know you are bringing them. Hold your children close to your heart so they hear the beating and are assured of your presence. Thank you for this family. Thank you for your perfect timing. Thank you for the celebration that is coming! Amen.
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ReplyDeletePraying for you guys...all 3.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you often. I love your heart, Bekah. Your heart for God is beautiful in it's struggle - because you are fighting to love HIM most. Its a struggle that honours Him. Can't wait for the day Isaac is in your arms. But it will be all the sweeter knowing how much this journey has brought you closer to Jesus.
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