anticipation

Anticipation is a nice way of describing my emotions right now. Anxiety is probably the more accurate word. Thursday night as we slept, Isaac's case went through court in Ethiopia. I thought I would be fine but I had this sick feeling as I was at work all evening. It was my last shift at work, I know a I may have jumped the gun a little, and my anxiety level was high. As the night passed and the weekend approached I felt myself relax a little, knowing that everything was closed on the weekend so there would be no chance of hearing any results. But monday came and with monday returned my anxiety. No email. No phone call.
It's Tuesday and my anxiety is slowly turning into hopelessness. You may think this is extreme, but this is my son and I'm waiting to find out if I will ever get to hold him. It is possible for the judge to say no, it is possible that some family member shows up and wants to keep him, it is possible for our son to never actually become our son. The possibility is very slim, but somehow that slim chance is all I can think about.
As the thought of waiting makes me want to scream and cry all at the same time, I find myself fighting this wait. I don't want to wait and I'm certainly not being patient about it. I don't want to ask God about it and I don't want to wait for His answer, I just want my son. I know how wrong this is, I'm just being honest.
Yet somewhere in my heart I hear an invitation.  An invitation to walk through the darkness once again.  To look at Jesus and follow him through this time of anxiety. To rest. I find myself once again in the middle of the storm screaming for Jesus to please wake up and make the waves stay still, yet He is asleep. You think I'd learn by now, how to walk through the darkness, how to rest in the storm. But I am blind and I am scared.
I know in the end Jesus is the one who defends my son, He is the one who stands up in court for him. Yet somehow I can't get through today.

I have no wise words except to pray:

Jesus, God of the Angel Armies,

You said that you will fight on the orphans behalf, that you would put the lonely in families. I know you go before us in this battle, that you have called us to it and that you would never leave us to go it alone. I ask you to help me to trust you. Isaac is your son to do with what you please. Please help us to wait on you for your answer. Please help us to rest in the boat, to find comfort in you alone. Please stand before Isaac and fight his case. We ask that we find favor with the judge and favor as they give out second court dates. We recognize that Isaac was and never will be ours to claim for ourselves but a gift that has been graciously given to us. We love you and hand our son to you. Amen.