Blessed with Infertility

You may find the title to this post odd, "Blessed with Infertility", but lately I am coming to believe this to be true. Around 6 years ago, Arnie and I found out we were infertile. We had been "trying" for a baby for almost a year when we decided to go investigate if something may be wrong. Sure enough we were told their was a problem but that it could be fixed. We signed up for the surgery and waited the months wait before the day. We were told it would be about two years of recovery before our chances of having a baby would be "normal" again. The time has now doubled. There have been times during these years where I thought I was cursed. I would cry to God and ask him why he has made me barren, why could I not have a baby. I wondered if we were sinning or doing something wrong. I wondered if it was just my lot, that I was chosen to never have a baby.

But I am beginning to see things differently.

My heart is changing.
I remember a time when I got my period a few years back. I had my hopes up that maybe this would be the month, only to find them shattered just as quickly as the thought came. I cried and cried. I thought I was cursed. Somehow, God had turned his back on me and abandoned me to my pain. It was raw, real and painful. I felt it physically and most definitely emotionally. I crawled in my bed and into an emotional hole. I could've stayed here for a while but for some reason Jesus wouldn't let me.
I've gone up and down over the years. It's this natural human tendency to listen to God and trust him, then to find ourselves lost because we turned our eyes away. In this journey Jesus was stirring up a heart for adoption. But as I can testify to, this journey is a rollercoaster of it's own. A constant battle of trust verses mistrust. Do I trust the one who called me down this path or do I question that it's all a farce? Did I force my way or was I called this way? Throughout this blog I think it's plain to see this battle that we have gone through. The ups and downs that we have found ourselves in.
All this to say, I have found myself this morning praising Jesus that I am infertile. He took us on this journey of trust, pain, anticipation to show me that sometimes what we think is our biggest curse is actually our biggest blessing. This sweet little boy that we have named Isaac, would not be our son if God had not have heard my cry, thought of me in my despair and planned an even better surprise for me then I could have ever planned for myself.

I don't know exactly why I am infertile, but maybe one day Isaac will tell you why ;)

I'm sure it has to do with redemption, God's shalom, calling us back to relationship with him, creation and others.
That an orphan would be left in the night only to find himself the son of a Mother and Father.
That a couple would find themselves childless only to learn of a child who has found himself fatherless.

Jesus' plan for us surpasses my own. But I see him now, in a picture, with his little arms open wide and a smile on his face, somehow screaming, "It was me you were waiting for!!!!!"

I just can't wait to hold him, to look at him and know I was never cursed but blessed. I was not abandoned but chosen. I was loved and fought for, as was my Isaac.