A fast of sorts

As I try to sort out laying down my rights and laying down this adoption, I have decided I need to do a fast. This may sound weird but I am going to fast from this adoption. I found out today that our document arrived at Imagine (the new correctly dated one), so I know we have at least a month solid wait to get our statutory declaration done. That said, I have decided I need to lay it all aside for the month of March. I have not given up hope, but I am laying down the worry, anger, and frustration of this process. This means no more Yahoo group, no more emailing Imagine, no more schedules and timelines and no more blog. Although this blog is not just about the adoption, and it does enable me to write about everything God is teaching me, I think I need a little break. It just goes hand in hand with all the other parts of the adoption. This will not be easy for me as I have loved the adoption community I have met, but for this time, I feel it is necessary.
I am going to spend the time I would on the computer doing all the above mentioned and spend some serious time with Jesus about the direction he is taking Arnie and I. I don't want to miss out on what he has for us because my life is consumed in this adoption.
I am excited and sad to do this. I am excited because I know Jesus loves being chosen above anything else but I am sad to leave the community for a while. I will be back though and I will be stronger than ever! It's like I am going to boot camp or something!
So until next time, you are in my prayers, your families and families to be. May God bless your next month with showing his face to you.
Love,
Bekah

PS If any pertinent info comes up, this will be my only exception to post!

A Mother's Heart

Today, it was confirmed in my spirit that God has given me a Mother's heart. I have been frustrated and angry by this in the past as I have felt I have not been able to fulfil this calling. I have not been blessed with children yet. I cried out to God in anger, asking him to take this heart from me as it is too painful to bare. I have tried to stuff it down, becoming a nurse, volunteering, and becoming involved in community building...but here it is, pounding hard, ready to leap. 

As sometimes I have felt God made a mistake by giving me this passion, He reminded me today that He does not make mistakes. He asked me if I could live out my Mother's heart without any children to call my own. I've thought about this as the possibility of this adoption blowing up is very real. This would leave us childless as we already are. I have wondered what would become of my heart to be a Mother. Would it just leave? Would I beat it out of myself? or would I find a way to live it out. 

God showed me today that although I don't have children who I share genetics with or a last name with, that He has still given me children. He reminded me of the girls that I mentor in youth, of all the children who come through my home on a regular basis and of the children who come through the centre. He has made it clear that my job is to love. I am to love with a Mother's heart all the children He puts in my path.

Although it is hard to think of, I need to be ok with never having my own children (bio or adopted). I have to be ok with the calling God has placed on me, whether or not that calling is the one I desire. He never once said life would be easy or straight forward. He did say, however, that in this world there will be troubles, but take heart, for I have overcome the world. There is no promise of receiving everything we want, rather that he will provide our needs. And although He says He will give us the desires of our hearts, my desire is to love children and He has already given me a means to fulfil that.

Don't get me wrong, I want nothing more than my child in Ethiopia, but I also don't want to be short sighted. Arnie and I agreed today that we will go to Ethiopia whether or not there will be a child waiting there for us. We want to take in children who have been abandoned and there is no reason we should not do this. For now we will wait for the words "GO!" but when we hear them, my bags will be packed with or without a referral. If I believe anything the Bible says, it is that God has a plan for our lives...it will not be an easy life, but it will be a life that glorifies him if we choose to obey.

So, again, I am laying down our adoption, but along with it my hopes and plans for children to call my own. This is not an overnight thing, it is a daily decision. It is a decision to be joyful with what I have, to be determined to love orphans and widows in the capacity God allows me and to obey God's call and leading. 

I'm not sure where this will leave me, like I said I have not arrived to any conclusions. I still feel I have a child in Ethiopia that I hope and pray for but I am willing to have God change my course. 

Confession Friday #1

Apparently this is the new blog craze, I have enjoyed reading others confessions, so I thought I'd have a confession time of my own. This may be the first and last!

My top ten confessions...

10. I confess that on the way to the lawyers the other day, Arnie dripped a spot of water on our document. I was so mad that I yelled at him for drinking water on top of the documents, how dare he do such a thing. He then yelled at me for putting the documents in between the seats, I might as well have put them on the ground to stomp on. After frantically drying the wet spot with the heater turned up full blast, we burst out laughing at how angry we were over a drop of water. You will only understand this stress if you have experienced the insanity of adoption!

9. I confess I just shared a popsicle with my dogs.

8. I confess that I have a closet full of baby and children's clothes.

7. I confess that my husband has officially cut me off of adding any more items to this closet. He says I am ruining the fun of when we get a picture of our child and can then go out and buy them clothes. He is right, but can you honestly blame me?

6. I confess I added a skirt a month ago. It was from Value Village ok, so I'm not sure this even counts!

5. I confess that I have also been cut off of adding to my closet, not because I will spoil any fun but because it is so full I can't add anything else to it. (and we are trying to be frugal)

4. I confess that after I was cut off of all spending a few weeks ago in order to save for Ethiopia, I wanted to play in the cut off game, so I cut my husband off of spending on food. I had nothing else against him so I came up with food. Low.

3. I confess that this adoption has been the hardest thing I have ever had to endure. I would not wish this on anyone, but I am thankful for the character, endurance and faith I have had to run into to make it this far.

2. I confess that I think about meeting my child all the time, I day dream about them everyday on the way to work and on the way home... and to be honest, every minute in between.

1. I confess that my prayer is to be a Mother by Mother's Day. I'd love to have my sweet child in my arms by Mother's Day, but a picture would be wonderful too!

Surrender

It was brought to our attention that back dating a document might not be the best idea. So, back we go to the drawing board. Lawyer tomorrow, send new document and money to Imagine, and wait for a new statutory declaration. Which means no referral for at least another month +. This does make me sad, but this is our choice. I have felt sick to my stomach for two days thinking about getting to Ethiopia, going to court and then failing court because our dates are all wrong. I suppose a month wait here would be better then a month wait in Ethiopia knowing our child is only a few blocks away but not being able to see them. We decided we would rather do things right rather then try and cut a few corners. I have prayed hard about this and my answer is that God would not punish us for trying to do the right thing. I'm not even sure if back dated documents would even matter, but I don't think I want to find out. So here we go again....waiting on statutory declaration #2. Praying that for some reason it flies through court and into the hands of Ethiopia faster than we could even imagine.

Last night while wrestling with what to do with this document, I decided I needed to give up control. It's not like I even have control in the first place, but my response to this news is showing me that somehow I think I do. I feel like if I do everything as fast as possible I will get my child sooner, who am I kidding? Jesus has the perfect timing, I might as well stop fighting it. Release control means I wait in peace. I do the right thing, even though it puts us further in the hole, and just rest knowing that it's never out of God's hands. If my faith means anything, let it stand strong now, when it really counts. So no more ranting from me, I am shutting my mouth (or at least trying to), releasing the reigns and staring at Jesus while we sail through the storm together. If you see me not doing these things...just remind me of my commitment.

Just like Louie, I will wait at the door to be invited in. (with a smile on my face, it may be forced, but it will be there!)

When I am Weak, He is Strong

Today I am greatful that my Dad is the King of the Universe, that nothing is out of His control, that He has a plan for us, that He went to batt for us, and that He is strong when I am weak.

I also would like to apologize for my pity party yesterday. In my selfishness, I forgot about the four families who failed court because of this document. They were in Ethiopia waiting for court when this change was made. That meant that instead of being able to hold their child, play with them, kiss them, give them presents, they had to just go home. They got to see their child, but they were not able to interact with them. Their next court date is in 6 weeks from now, I am  praying that on this day God fights for their families. I can only imagine the pain and disappointment they must have felt and are still feeling. Please pray with me that they all pass court and their visas come quickly so these precious children do not have to wait any longer!

Thanks to everyone for all your prayers and support. Thanks to my friends who said they believed in our adoption, when I stopped believing. Please continue to pray that Ethiopia is satisfied with their document requests and we can continue on without any more hold ups. I love you guys!

A not so Happy Valentine's Day

I was just informed that one of the documents in our recent update needs to be re-done. Apparently the Ethiopian court wants the words changed! Everyone has to do this, but it means for us re-doing what we just did. I could not be more disappointed and frustrated and sad and angry.... and the kicker.... we have to pay about $300 to do this. I'm ready to give up at this point. I'm not sure how much more I can take. Could timing be worse?? If we had found this out before our update was sent for statutory declaration, we could have added the right paper and been fine, but now we get to do the statutory dec. all over again (and pay for it). I am completely discouraged. At times I just think this whole thing is going to blow up in our faces. Nothing has been what it was said to be, which makes it hard to have any hope. I’m not sure how much we should go through? Is there a child waiting for us or are we waiting for everything to end? The hardest part is not being certain of anything. Right now I am praying for just a shred of hope, anything to push us through this. Just one ounce of light at the end of the tunnel to keep us traveling forward through the dark. If anyone finds some, could you share with me?

and behold there it was

sitting all pretty in my inbox....that little email!!! They said all our dates on our documents were good and they will send the updated dossier to Ethiopia soon! I am hoping it will be there by next week, I'm trying to not get my hopes too high because sometimes the mail is slow.
We received an update from the agency today, there were 2 referrals made in  January, we are not thrilled with this, but at least it is not zero!!!
Today was also the day Arnie guessed we would receive our referral call. We had made guesses in the new year, he said Feb.7 and I said Feb.27, I think we were a little too optimistic. My date could still work, but our file needs to arrive in Ethiopia first, so we will see. I was so secretly hoping Arnie was going to be right. This seemed fun at the time, but now as the days pass, it feels kind of sad instead.

Waiting for that little email...

that says, "Your file is now in Ethiopia". No sign of that email yet :( I need to stop looking for it a million times a day. We can not receive a referral until our file has arrived in Ethiopia. Who knew it would take over 6 months to update our file!!
SO A few pictures to lighten the mood and make me smile!