A Mother's Heart

Today, it was confirmed in my spirit that God has given me a Mother's heart. I have been frustrated and angry by this in the past as I have felt I have not been able to fulfil this calling. I have not been blessed with children yet. I cried out to God in anger, asking him to take this heart from me as it is too painful to bare. I have tried to stuff it down, becoming a nurse, volunteering, and becoming involved in community building...but here it is, pounding hard, ready to leap. 

As sometimes I have felt God made a mistake by giving me this passion, He reminded me today that He does not make mistakes. He asked me if I could live out my Mother's heart without any children to call my own. I've thought about this as the possibility of this adoption blowing up is very real. This would leave us childless as we already are. I have wondered what would become of my heart to be a Mother. Would it just leave? Would I beat it out of myself? or would I find a way to live it out. 

God showed me today that although I don't have children who I share genetics with or a last name with, that He has still given me children. He reminded me of the girls that I mentor in youth, of all the children who come through my home on a regular basis and of the children who come through the centre. He has made it clear that my job is to love. I am to love with a Mother's heart all the children He puts in my path.

Although it is hard to think of, I need to be ok with never having my own children (bio or adopted). I have to be ok with the calling God has placed on me, whether or not that calling is the one I desire. He never once said life would be easy or straight forward. He did say, however, that in this world there will be troubles, but take heart, for I have overcome the world. There is no promise of receiving everything we want, rather that he will provide our needs. And although He says He will give us the desires of our hearts, my desire is to love children and He has already given me a means to fulfil that.

Don't get me wrong, I want nothing more than my child in Ethiopia, but I also don't want to be short sighted. Arnie and I agreed today that we will go to Ethiopia whether or not there will be a child waiting there for us. We want to take in children who have been abandoned and there is no reason we should not do this. For now we will wait for the words "GO!" but when we hear them, my bags will be packed with or without a referral. If I believe anything the Bible says, it is that God has a plan for our lives...it will not be an easy life, but it will be a life that glorifies him if we choose to obey.

So, again, I am laying down our adoption, but along with it my hopes and plans for children to call my own. This is not an overnight thing, it is a daily decision. It is a decision to be joyful with what I have, to be determined to love orphans and widows in the capacity God allows me and to obey God's call and leading. 

I'm not sure where this will leave me, like I said I have not arrived to any conclusions. I still feel I have a child in Ethiopia that I hope and pray for but I am willing to have God change my course.